Word Balloon

I'm addicted to this site. John Siuntres brings something new to comic book interviews; professionalism. Siuntres has worked for CBS, FOX Sports and ESPN and his polished interviewing style is a welcome change from the snotty sycophantic fanboys who usually tread this ground. Listen as he keeps the conversation rolling with Paul Jenkins. Thrill as Neal Adams attacks plate tectonics. Watch me growing sadder about my career choices with each interview.

Check him out here.

Village People

Bill was over for the holidays and left me with 20GB of mp3's. This is why record companies are nervous. Twenty years ago, Debbie Gibson appeared before congress denouncing blank tapes. Now you can trade thousands of songs in minutes. Good.

Anyway, I was going through these and found Best of the Village People. When I was a kid, I thought they had a wacky gimmick. "Look, one guy's a construction worker. One guy's an Indian. One guy's an astronaut (I wasn't paying very close attention). They have different jobs that help the village run."

Now I'm an adult. I can look at these songs with a different angle. "Y.M.C.A." "In the Navy". "Macho Man". "Fire Island." Now I realize something I never noticed before.

None of these guys were gay.

Oh maybe one or two, but no way they were THIS gay. It's too much. Nobody's this gay. Now the late 70's were a different time. Homosexuality wasn't nearly as accepted as it is today. Gaydar had yet to be invented. Heterosexuals simply could not pick up the subtlety of the gay culture. So the Village People had to go way over the top. Put on funny hats. Grow moustaches. Open their shirts. Sing every song they could about men. And thrust often. All so audiences of the late 70's could nudge their friends and say "You know, I think those guys might be gay."

The motorcycle cop really did have a good voice, though.

"Do This and Yeah"

Judging from yesterday's footage, the above is my directing style.

We did three new films yesterday, two of which are already edited. Andrew should have them online soon. Stuff is looking pretty good and bigger plans are shaping for 2006.

Today I need to clean up the house (shooting always trashes it) and go to a wedding but I leave you with the first joke I ever wrote. I was six and really amazed I came up with a brand new joke.

"What kind of music attracts fish?"
"Bait- hoven."

Give the kid a break, he's six.

Play Cole in HD!

We're shooting new films today. Someday you'll see them. But right now, you can see new improved versions of our first four films. Andrew has updated the analog transfers with all new digital files. For those of you that mentioned the limited picture and sound, they've been greatly improved. For those of you haven't seen these yet, you can see four original short films right now! For free! Take a look.

I want to see Play Cole.

Bush on 2005

I think it's safe to say 2005 was crappy for most of us. This blog is one of the very few things that have gone right for me this year. Thanks for that.

Looks like even Bush thinks it was a bad year. He's hoping, like the rest of us, 2006 will be better. I think his resignation would go a long way towards making that happen.

Calvin and Hobbes

Christmas was a family holiday with all the highs and lows that entails. I will never drive on Christmas Eve again.

Renee and I spent the morning together before heading out to my Uncle Timmy's. She got me a pile of dvds and some lavish books but the biggest surprise was The Complete Calvin and Hobbes which must weigh about 40 pounds. It's a three volume slipcase with thousands of Bill Watterson's strips. It's a delight because I didn't expect it and it's been so long since I've read these that I forgot how beautiful they were. It's so loaded with energy, real characters and warmth that I'm glad he stopped before it got old. I got 150 pages in without even realizing it. Only 1350 to go.

Merry Christmas!

What you get?

Gilbert Gottfried

Finally got to see Gilbert at Caroline's last night with the rest of Play Cole and a few friends. He was cripplingly funny. Honestly, I haven't laughed so hard since we saw Billy Connelly years ago. It's the same manic energy that leaves the audience clueless as to what he'll say next. He went from insults that made no sense to racial jokes that made no sense to impressions that made no sense.

There are two types of comedians. There are the type that say the world is crazy and they're the only sane people in it. That's most comedians, up to Jerry Seinfeld. Then there are the ones that are crazy themselves and they don't care if you find out. Those are the ones I treasure and Gilbert is at the top of that pile. Go see him.

The Star Wars Saga

The transit strike is over. It was like house arrest. It's five miles to work, Renee has the car in another state and it's twenty degrees outside. So I stayed in. I got a lot of projects done that have needed attention for too long. And I came up with a few dumb ideas. Like watching the entire Star Wars saga. I've always wondered if the whole thing fit together as seamlessly as George Lucas tells me it does. Now I know. (all images are from rebelscum.com )



Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace
This is a bad movie. Just bad. I've watched it at least ten times and it doesn't get any better. I think I understand it now. Lucas was trying to show us a happy galaxy before the Empror ruined it. Unfortunately, he confused happy with stupid. And funny with Jar Jar.

This has the least amount of story of them all. What do we learn that helps us? Anakin was a little kid. The Emperor was a senator. And C3PO was a work in progress. So what? And does anyone want to tell me why the pod race lasts over three laps? Does that help the story? What there was of it? Ewan McGregor would be good if they let him do anything. And Liam Neeson is good but he's good in everything. Better to watch him be good in Schindler's List or Batman Begins. Darth Maul is cool looking but ultimately he's not a character at all. He's a tattoo.

Rating: It doesn't deserve a rating.



Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Epiosde I is so bad it keeps sucking through the first hour of Episode II. Ewan McGregor is the Harrison Ford of this first trilogy. You can really tell in the second act because his scenes are the only ones of any interest. As for the other ones? Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen make their love scenes look like a high school play. That you keep trying to sneak out of. Even though your kid is in it.

But at least we're actually in the Star Wars universe. There are stormtroopers and Jedi and Boba Fett. And Christopher Lee always helps. Once the actual Clone War starts, it's pretty good. That's 20 minutes of a two and a half hour movie.

Rating: What do you think, 2?




Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

The best of the original trilogy. Which is to say it's almost good. It actually gets off to a great start then dies right on the screen thanks to Lucas' approach to character; wooden dialogue and stillborn pacing. It takes another hour to pick back up. And Lucas isn't funny. He's way too broad and sucks all the tension out of the action scenes. General Grevious (a really cool design) comes off as a buffoon right off the bat.

Hayden Christiansen can't play brooding or happy but he can play mean. Once he turns into Darth Vader and kills nearly the entire cast, you can see the purpose of this entire trilogy. Although the first two films don't add much. My recommendation if you've never seen Star Wars is to still start with the original trilogy. Then if you want to, watch only Episode III. If you completely fall in love with Star Wars, then watch all six before you buy any merchandise.

Rating: Half past pretty good.




Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Any future generation who thinks Episode I was made first will get a huge slap in the face from the opening of the 1977 classic. You might as well tell them Godzilla was made before Frankenstein. This is a 70's film through and through. It has a gritty reality to it that the first trilogy doesn't. Lucas will tell you it's because the Empire has taken over. I say it's because he was using minatures and props instead of nonstop cg animation. There's crap on the floor of the spaceships and fingerprints on the droids. And I think anyone who's never seen it before will catch the few cg enhancements a mile away.

There's also a simplicity of story here that the other five don't even attempt. There's mention of the Senate and the Emperor but we don't get twenty minutes of motions and commitees like the first trilogy. Instead we get C3PO and R2-D2 scared shitless by Jawas. And I prefer it that way. Screw Episode I, this is where it all starts. And where you should too.

Rating: You kidding? It's a freaking classic!




Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Oh man, this one's good. George Lucas gave up directing and shared the writing chores on this and it completely paid off. The characters are three dimensional, the jokes are funny, the Imperial theme kicks the ass of the main theme and every time the heroes are in a white place, bad things happen. This is the movie that cemented my obsession with the Star Wars universe as a boy. The subsequent films would crush that obsession.

They overdub John Ratzenberger's voice in this. Not fair but he'd have his revenge with every PIXAR movie. And Carrie Fisher had already destroyed her looks with cocaine. She's aged 10 years in the 3 between these films. Minor flaws to an almost perfect film.

Rating: Holy freaking crap in a solid gold toilet.




Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

What happened? This is supposed to be the climax to the greatest film saga ever. Why is it such a squishy turd? You got Jabba the Hutt and speeder bikes. That's it. Even the lightsaber fight is lackluster. And somehow when Mark Hamill tries to play badass, he just comes off as gay.

I get the feeling that everyone stopped caring by this point. Harrison Ford wanted to be Indiana Jones. ILM wanted to be Henson. George Lucas wanted to get through his divorce. And the director he hired wanted to please too much. The end result is simply weak. Which is almost an anagram for Ewok. Makes you think.

Rating: Meh. Definitively meh.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
So is it all one story? Oh God no. Lord of the Rings is one story. This is six. Two if you're feeling generous. That doesn't mean it's not worth watching. Even the crappiest movie (Episode I) has its moments. And both the original and Empire Strikes Back are great films that stand the test of time.

Storywise, it's fairly cohesive with very few inconsistencies. It certainly makes more sense than the four Alien films or the seven Nightmare on Elm Streets. But telling someone they were all written together? You wouldn't fool a potted plant with massive head trauma on that one.

Thank God the strike is over.

PVP xmas

You might recall I mentioned how much I like the comic strip PVP.Well it's getting better every day. I love today's where Kurtz draws a connection between the holidays and homophobia. Take a look then go there and check out the last few entries.

Oh, Santa.

Santa, sit down.

I understand you've been getting a lot of offers. And it can be hard to turn that money down. After all, you're in non-profit. And when a big corporation stops by and they give you a ton of cash to appear in a commerical, well I don't know if I could turn them away either.

But Santa, there's such a thing as 'diluting your brand'.



This is okay. Kind of classy, actually. Norman Rockwell feel. With this ad, you could finance all those XBox 360s kids want this year. This is well within the limit.



Now you'd think this is the same ad but there's one big difference; YOU'RE USING THE PRODUCT. It's much classier to just be near the product than demonstrating how much you enjoy it. You want to be Catherine Zeta Jones' T Mobile campaign. She just stands there. You don't want to be Garth Brooks in that new Wal-Mart spot. Wait a minute; you were in that spot. This is why we need to talk.



And now we're over the line. We're talking about spreading yourself too thin and what do you go and do? Put 375 Santas in one ad. No no no. What makes you special if 374 other people can do the same thing? I'm telling you, the next agency sees this ad, they're gonna hire a model to stand in your clothes. Then we're talking years of lawsuits. And time spent in the court is time not making toys. You're playing fast and loose with your image, Santa. And it's going to bite you in the ass.



Merchandising doesn't have to be cheesy. You have yet to learn this. Action figures are fine but why not go high quality with one? I know people at Art Asylum. They could have whipped up a six inch action figure with laser scanned likeness, multiple points of articulation and a paint wash. Who did you talk to? A factory owner in Hong Kong? This makes you look low rent, Santa. People don't respect a property that gives everyone the license. You have to pick and choose. You have to understand what each ad says about you.



DAMMIT, SANTA! This conversation is over. I expect to be handed power of attorney in the morning.

Siskel and Ebert

The transit strike is on which means I'm working from home. It also means I'm watching stuff like this. Check out this clip of Siskel and Ebert cursing each other out and planning to overthrow the government while taping promos. It's angry, hilarious and makes me miss Gene Siskel.

One Man Star Wars Trilogy

Yesterday my sister decided to take her husband to see the One Man Star Wars Trilogy for his birthday. Renee and I went along and it turned out to be a very good idea.

Since 2001, Charlie Ross has been condensing all of George Lucas' original trilogy into one hour. I was hoping just to watch a guy have lightsaber fights with himself. But he goes way beyond that. Giving twenty minutes to each film, Charlie runs through just about every character with slight impressions and exaggerations. Outside of a few side comments, he's completely faithful to the original dialogue. And does the funniest Jabba the Hutt I've ever seen.

But what really impressed was that he also did the sound effects and the one thing that gave the films a soul; John Williams music. I was actually expecting some canned music and sound effects from the p.a. but Charlie does it all with his mouth. That and a lot of running around and falling down.

I think it goes without saying that it helps to have seen the trilogy at least fifty times. The crowd was a nice mix. Lots of kids who really enjoyed his energy. Kevin Pollack sat next to us and he seemed to enjoy it considerably. Renee, my sister and brother-in-law were in tears the entire hour. As for me, I really want to come back to see him do Lord of the Rings.

Last night's show

Oh, it was interesting.

My cousin Emily (the one allergic to peanuts) called us up. She was in town staying with some friends and would we have time to meet up? I told her about the show and she thought it would be perfect.

The Pussycat Lounge is built over a strip club. Actually, it's part of a strip club. The second floor is a rock club. I'm not entirely comfortable with that arrangement. I was less comfortable with the changes that were sprung on us when we arrived.

Seems the second floor was rented for a private party. All the bands would be playing in the strip club. The management neglected to tell us this. We walked into the red lit long barroom and saw a drum kit and two 4x12 cabinets stacked on the end of the bar where the strippers would have been.

Then I noticed the strippers were still there.

Now I sense some confusion. These weren't hot strippers. These were nasty ass strippers. They fall into two categories; bony and dumpy. And both categories fall into heroin addiction. The last time I was there the bouncer grabbed a woman by the face and threw her down. Six months ago we were playing Arlene's Grocery. Now all we can get is playing for strippers. I made a decision. I'm not doing this anymore. And I'm not getting up on that stage.

From then on it was a race to head off Emily. I'm a firm believer in 'the show must go on' but experience has now shown me that I draw the line providing the music for a striptease. It was a stark 'what am I doing with my life' kind of moment.

The good news was we found Emily and her friends and got trashed in the pizza place next door. That was fun.

Show tonight!

Don't forget my band is playing tonight at 11. So you can hear my music live, you see. For my comedy, just scroll down.

Saving Grace tonight 11 p.m.
PUSSYCAT LOUNGE, 96 Greenwich at Rector, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 212-349-4800
Train: 1 to Rector. 4 or 5 to Wall Street. N or R to
Downtown Rector.

Play Cole Productions

Here's where you'll find the archive of all our films. We'll be updating each of them with a youtube version but for now you can access the older files through Andrew's site. Individually they are:


Tension Envelopes 3 minutes



The First Commandment 3 minutes



The Job Interview 5 minutes


Blind Travelogue- Yellowstone 30 seconds



Planet of the Apes: Behind the Grunts 3 minutes



Jeremiah- animation
30 seconds
We have 30 films and counting so keep visiting for more.

Play Cole is online!

I've been promising this for a while and Andrew delivered. Here's our first film on the Web. It's only 5 minutes so no one will notice you while you watch this at work:

The Job Interview

MTA

We're closer to a strike on the subways and buses than I thought.

Every couple of years this happens. Now it's just getting sickening. In 1999 the fare was $1.25. There was a huge surplus so the MTA began issuing unlimited Metrocards. Workers got angry and threatened to strike. My girlfriend at the time worked in newsradio and was camped outside the negotiations for days on end. The strike was averted two days after the deadline.

Three years later, there was a huge deficit. No one knew why. Again, there was threat of a strike and the fare went up to $1.50. Then they found two sets of books. Someone was embezzling. No one was indicted. I never even heard a name.

Six months ago, there was another huge deficit and another fare hike; this time to $2.00. And guess what they found? Two sets of books. Now, all of a sudden, there's a huge surplus. Did they lower the fare back down? No. Did they fix up the stations or give workers a raise? Sorry. The solution the MTA reached is to give tourists a discount during the holidays.

Excuse me while I break this drywall with my head.

No wonder there's a strike coming! Not only is the MTA admitting they're robbing us and refuse to stop but they're going to screw over their workers at the same time.

Will tourists even notice? If Johann from Germany comes to New York for New years and sees the fare is one dollar instead of two, will he be grateful? No, he'll think that's what we're paying! And do you think that extra dollar is going back into our economy? I think it's going back to Germany.

This is truly the golden age of greed. The 80's? Screw the 80's. The 80's were about working hard so you could get promotions and a fat salary. Now is the time where corporations are free to blatantly exploit the public and raise prices just to see how far they can. They're pushing the envelope on 'what the market will bear'.

Skimming no longer exists. If you're a CFO, just dive into the pot with both hands and pull out as much as you can for yourself. We'll let you get away with it. We can't afford health insurance but no one's stopping you from buying another boat with our 401K. Everyone just shrugs.

What killed blame? Was it O.J.? Or the fact that the White House has so many ties to corrupt corporations that we're all taught to turn a blind eye? No one gets indicted. No one even shoots themselves in the head on tv anymore.

At least Tamany Hall got things done.

Chuck Norris

I hate Chuck Norris. His movies are dumb and his giant upper lip is distracting. That said, Dan X. sent me this yesterday and it's pretty funny.

The Widescreen debate.

For the last five years, since dvd became a mainstream product, there's been a fight between widescreen and full frame ratios. Basically it goes like this:

Film buffs want to see films the way they were originally shown, even if you have to fit a rectangle into a square picture frame.

Casual buyers don't care and think picture is being wasted by those 'black bars' on the screen.

And round and round we go.

Two things have helped bring widescreen to the masses. The first being all those commercials now shown in letterbox. Nothing breeds acceptance like the technique being forced on you twenty times a day. The other is of course all those wonderful 16x9 TVs everyone wants nowadays. I've got one so I'm already spoiled. Thanks to this, people have gotten used to movies in widescreen whether it fills a 16x9 screen or leaves black bars on a 1.33 screen.

But then there's television.

The studios want us all to buy 16x9 screens. In high definition, no less. So they began shooting most shows for a 16x9 frame a few years ago. Some shows like 'ER' give normal screens the black bars. Others like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' (when it was on) chop off the left and right sides of the screen if you're not watching it in high definition, which leaves the viewer a bit disoriented. There's always some action happening off screen.

Fortunately most television shows on dvd have been shown in widescreen. 'Desperate Housewives' was a struggle but we've been renting the show in widescreen and we're happier for it.

Which brings me to animation.

Unless you're a comic book geek, you probably have no idea that Bruce Timm has been creating the greatest superhero animated series for over 12 years now. It started with the monumental 'Batman: the Animated Series' in 1992 and went seamlessly into 'Superman', 'Batman Beyond' and now 'Justice League'. Over the course of over three hundred episodes so far, Timm and his staff have created a universe that's faithful to the comics, consistent to itself and always innovative. And now he's doing it in widescreen.

Cartoon Network was iffy about Timm's decision to shoot in widescreen so they comprimised. On Saturday nights, 'Justice League' aired in 16x9. On Sundays, 1.33. Confusing but it kept everyone quiet.

Now it's coming out on dvd. And the Warners Kids department doesn't like widescreen. They assume that kids don't have the capacity to understand they're seeing more of the screen, not less. And kids don't make nearly enough money to buy a 16x9 television set. The solution? Chop up' Justice League' and throw it out there.

The adult fans are pretty angry about this. Whether Warners wants to admit this or not (and they don't) this is a show that skews to an older demographic. The same way 'South Park' or 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' appeals to an older crowd. Adult animation is finally accepted, but superheroes are still seen as a kid's property. That's the problem.

The World's Finest is starting a campaign to release 'Justice League' in widescreen. And they've explained it better than I ever could. With the all the hard work the crew puts in on this show, it would be a crime to throw 30% of it away. Bruce Timm himself wants to see the dvds the way he intended them. So do I. So go over to the campaign and see how you can help. And remember, even if you don't care about 'Justice League', right now studios are making similar decisions about a show you love.

UPDATE: Warners has decided to release future seasons in widescreen!

Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor passed away yesterday after a long battle with multiple sclerosis.

I think I was born too late to really understand Pryor. To me, he's like Lenny Bruce; a pioneer in comedy I respect more than love. I grew up with Pryor on Sesame Street and in lightweight movies like 'The Toy' and by the time I saw his stand-up movies like 'Sunset Strip' it looked a little dated. I'm sure the same could be said for someone seeing Eddie Murphy's 'Delerious' or Bill Cosby's 'Himself' today. The impact isn't the same.

But that doesn't deny the impact itself. Just like Lenny Bruce, Pryor struggled with the traditions of comedy, breaking them to create a new style that influenced everyone who came after. That effect can't be measured but it's as great as the loss today.

100 Movie Quotes

While the American Film Institute's lists are getting sillier and sillier (why no 100 greatest directors?) this one is actually pretty fun. Renee kept hearing the voices of each actor in her head as she went through them. I think it's remarkable how many great quotes come out of bad movies.

Saving Grace Xmas show!

Picture this. It's December 17th. One week till Christmas. And you can't face the gifts, the cold or your family. So you go out for a drink, let's say downtown Manhattan. You pull down a pint but you're still feeling down. So you wander out in the street. You get to the Pussycat Lounge at 11. Downstairs it's a guy's place but upstairs, something calls you. You walk in and Saving Grace is on stage. And they blow your fucking mind out of your skull.

Or, to make a long story short:

SATURDAY DECEMBER 17 11 p.m.
PUSSYCAT LOUNGE, 96 Greenwich at Rector, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 212-349-4800
Train: 1 to Rector. 4 or 5 to Wall Street. N or R to
Downtown Rector.

John Lennon

25 years ago today John Lennon was assassinated outside his home on Central Park West.

When I was in high school, John Lennon was my first role model. He was judiciously chosen. Jack Nicholson looked a little crazy. George Carlin seemed smarter than me. Batman wasn't real.

But I identified with John Lennon early on. His name was John for one thing. He played guitar so I stopped playing bass. He wore glasses and had a bump in the middle of his nose. And he was clever and sarcastic.

His public image after death was that of the 'proto hippie'. The guy who sang "love is all you need" and "give peace a chance". A skinny guy with stringy hair and a denim jacket. It makes great news copy; the man who lived for peace and love taken down in an act of violence. But that was only one side of John.

I always saw Lennon as a guy who wanted to love humanity but wasn't afraid to kick a little ass now and then. He wasn't above throwing in a thinly veiled threat in a love song (you ever listen to 'Run For Your Life'? It beats Johnny Cash for pure snarling.) Early stories about Lennon showed a young guy you did not want to fuck with. Someone who would throw a knife from a Hamburg stage. Someone who could drink seven Brandy Alexanders and get tossed from a Smothers Brothers show. Someone who would write mean songs about Paul McCartney.

And he was funny as hell. Paul and George were cute with the press but John was downright combative. Listen to a few interviews and you'll hear a definite Groucho Marx influence. Probably the most famous quote was his answer to 'How do you find America?' 'Turn left at Greenland.' If you take 'the Beatles are bigger than Jesus' with the amount of sarcasm John intended, it's a pretty funny line. But my favorite quote was an off the cuff remark he made when a reporter asked if he'd want to give it all up and join the circus. He replied, 'I've already given it all up. I just haven't figured out where to run.'

And he retired at 35. I'd love to retire in two years. I just don't have fifteen multi-platinum albums under my belt.

So if John Lennon was so complex, what does his assassination mean? Absolutely nothing. Just a random act by a madman. Mark David Chapman claimed he was following 'Catcher in the Rye'. I've read 'Catcher in the Rye' and Holden Caulfield never shoots anybody in it. There's no moral here, no meaning. It's just a goddamn shame.

There's a little spot at 72nd St and Central Park devoted to John Lennon called Strawberry Fields. It's right outside the Dakota where he lived and the sidewalk where he died. Every year people gather with acoustic guitars and play Beatle songs, drink hot chocolate or wine and stay up way too late in too cold a weather. Walker and I have made it a tradition over the last 25 years. We'll stop by tonight. I suggest you do too.

UPDATE: Scratch that suggestion. Strawberry Fields is so crowded tonight people were waiting on line to get in. In twenty years I've never seen it like that. I looked for Walker for a half an hour but it's cold out and I'm already sick so I gave up. Good to see people still care, though.

Saddam Trial: Officially a Circus

Saddam refused to show up at court today. Doesn't he realize he's playing right into our hands? All his posturing and pronouncements is resulting in the one thing he doesn't want; the entertainment of Americans.

If he really wanted to make us angry, he should just sit there quietly like O.J. did. We'd all watch him and complain. "How can he just sit there?", we'd cry. "Has he no soul?" Then, and only then, would Saddam truly have his revenge on America.

But no, he's got to go all Lex Luthor on us. Instead of that beard, he could have grown a handlebar moustache and tied a girl to the railroad tracks. He's not just evil, he's eeeeeeeeeeeevil. Mwa-ha-ha-ha. I haven't seen a more pompous defendant since Zsa Zsa slapped that cop. And America loves it.

We may be divided on the war but at least there's one thing the right and left can agree on; Saddam Hussein is a prick. Thank you Saddam, for bringing us together.

Frasier Beast

I'm fighting off a nasty cold right now but you can look at Kelsey Grammer as the Beast in next summer's X-Men 3. I'm still dubious about this movie since Bryan Singer's not a part of it but that makeup is definitely interesting.

UPDATE: Here's the trailer for X3.

Boondocks

I finally caught an episode of Boondocks on Cartoon Network. I'm not a regular reader of the strip but I've always liked it. And I loved the print ads I've seen around town.

Last night's episode combined racial profiling, anal rape, WMDs and Samuel L. Jackson as a white guy. It was as militant, political, satirical and funny as the strip. It was also Japanese.

Seriously, what the hell?

The character designs are almost nothing like the strip. Why did Aron MacGruder think the show should look like 'Ghost in the Shell'? They're not even designed for comedy. And they move like the old 90's 'Spider-Man' show before they got cheap and reused old animation. It's a bizarre decision that will hang up this show. It may survive on the goodwill of the strip but if it wants to go beyond it, this show has to decide what it wants.

All hail Mike Brumm!

This is a cause for celebration. Our good friend Michael Brumm has left Wunderman for a new job writing for the Colbert Report. Way to go in and out of advertising in less than three years, Mike.

Dammit, he's funny. He's this funny. And he deserves everything he gets.

The Big Feigu

Mark Feigenson is the one guy I know born to be in advertising. He truly loves it. He'll come in all excited from a headline he saw on a bus. It's almost inspiring. Almost.

It's this quality that makes him a great writer. And why I like his brand new blog. Take a look.

Face transplant

The first face transplant in history is doing well. She wishes to remain anonymous but if I were you I'd just look for the woman with two faces on her head. Then you got her. Actually, I think she wants to remain anonymous because she doesn't want to explain how it happened. Dog attack? I fear dogs as much as the next cat owner but what were you doing before dogs chewed your face off? Jewel heist?

It's still in its infancy but there are no signs that the procedure would make Nicolas Cage look like John Travolta. They're two different body types, people.

Damn peanuts.

I'd never heard of peanut allergies until about five years ago. But they're pretty serious. My cousin Emily missed most of our cousin's wedding thanks to the salad. But it's not as serious as this story in Quebec.

When I first met Chris Diclerico he told me he always wanted a girlfriend with peanut allergies. That way, if he ever had to get rid of her, it would look like an accident. It's ideas like that which make his blog so popular.

Colin Powell's aide speaks out.

Here's an article from another ex-insider. Interesting how when Richard Clarke came out last year, he was villified. Now the criticisms are coming so fast and furious, the Bush administration has no time to denounce them.

It's a personal and scathing critique that spotlights what now seems obvious; the Bush administration assumed they could do whatever the hell they wanted without considering the needs of anyone else in the world. Wilkerson does try to give the administration the benefit of the doubt, stating:

Lawrence Wilkerson said that Cheney must have sincerely believed that Iraq could be a spawning ground for new terror assaults, because "otherwise I have to declare him a moron, an idiot or a nefarious bastard."

Gee Lawrence, why not all three?

Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame 2006

Black Sabbath is finally getting its due. Why the band that created heavy metal wasn't inducted in 1995 when they were first eligible is maddening. They only wrote 'Iron Man' for crying out loud!

I got to see them in 1999 with Howie Weingarten (long time readers will remember his incident with Adam West) at Jones Beach. I had just gotten my driver's license and drove us both out there. It was a big deal for two guys used to public transportation.

The show was amazing. Ozzy was drunk and lost his voice by the third song, which was exactly what we wanted. Who wants to watch an Ozzy in full control of himself? He showed his ass. We saw Ozzy's ass.

Looking back it was the last fun time Howie and I had together. Soon after that I got a girlfriend, he didn't and it caused tension between us. That night however, we were as close as two friends who listened to Ozzy and Sabbath all through college could get.

Renee and I also went to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland two years ago. It's absolutely monstrous and took us five hours to get through. Renee loved Mick Jagger's stage costumes but I went right for the guitars. Robbie Robertson's strat from 'The Last Waltz'. Pete Townsend's no. 5 LP Deluxe from 'The Kids Are Alright'. Duane and Dickie's Les Pauls. I was in awe.

But the most important artifact for me is down near the bathroom. Go there and you'll find an old VW van that used to be at Wetlands, a great old NYC club lost to history. They would sell t shirts out of the back between shows and drunk fans would slap stickers of local bands all over the doors and windows. If you look hard enough you'll see stickers for Q South and Art Asylum. Guess who put them there?

Back.

That was ugly. Took us a lot more arguing, running around and stress to get a rental car and get home. Turns out Pennsylvania completely shuts down Thanksgiving weekend so all the boys can go a-huntin'. They close the schools, for chrissake!!

Well I'm home and I already know my workload has doubled for the experience.

Screw you, Thanksgiving.

Stranded in Pennsylvania

Now I really hate Thanksgiving.

We packed the Beetle and left Chicago yesterday about 1 in the afternoon. Renee drove about 250 miles and I took over from there. I went about 400 miles, feeling fine. We spent the ride listening to old George Carlin and Led Zeppelin concerts on the ipod and by midnight I figured I could do the other 200 miles and get us home a day early.

Then the temperature light went on.

Renee drives it every day so I casually mentioned the light to her and wondered what we should do. She had me pull over and wait ten minutes. After all, we had driven 600 miles in one day. We pulled out and within a mile, the light went on again. We waited twenty minutes with the hood up and drove out at fifteen miles an hour.

The light came on again.

Renee tried to call for assistance. No signal. Pennsylvania, man. At 2 a.m. the highway patrol found us. At 3 a.m. a tow truck took us the last seven miles to a hotel. Antifreeze was leaking out of our car.

It's Sunday morning. I'm writing from a Holiday Inn Express in New Columbia. No dealerships or garages are open today. The coolant tank is empty. There are no cabs either. We begged an employee to pick up antifreeze from the local Wal-Mart. Our plan is to keep filling the coolant tank like it's gas and get home. Renee just had it serviced at the dealership last week. And are they going to fucking here about this. Wish us luck.

UPDATE: 2:27 p.m.

No luck.

We filled the coolant tank and got about a half-mile before the temperature light went on again. Renee immediately called Volkswagen's roadside assistance. It took two hours of arguing before they even began to understand what part of the state we were in. Luckily, a state tropper stopped by and called a tow truck. The same tow truck that hauled us last night. Different driver. The car poured coolant as it was loaded onto the truck.

We're now in the best accomodations Danville Pennsylvania has to offer. Our dripping car is at the nearest dealership awaiting a diagnosis. Looks like we'll be missing work tomorrow.

Pat Morita

Pat Morita has passed away.Not from the events in this picture but I couldn't resist it when I googled his name.

Most obits will be calling him 'Mr. Miyagi' from a terrible movie that made a lot of money in the 80's. But Morita was a great character actor for decades. Don't believe me? Check it out here.

I'll always remember him as the original Arnold on Happy Days. It was a very Garry Marshall joke that the All-American hamburger stand would be run by an Asian. My favorite line early on was in an episode dealing with racism in the '50's. Richie and the Fonz had become friends with an African American (who strangely would never return after the episode) and were worried he'd be treated badly, as they explained to Arnold, because he was colored.

"Colored? What color? BWA-HA-HA-HA!" (that loud laugh was his catch phrase).

He was replaced by Al Molinaro in a lateral move. Never figured out why.

He was also in an episode of 'Sanford and Son' where Fred and he opened a Japanese restaurant in the junkyard. That alone is worth his mentioning here.

UPDATE: Mark Evanier brings us the story of why Morita left Happy Days. Turns out he got his own show "Mr. T and Tina" which was cancelled before it premiered. Go over there and get the details from a man that knew him.

Black Friday

Now here’s your American holiday.

Nothing says the US of A like the shoppingest day of the year. It’s grown much bigger in my lifetime, going from the beginning of the holiday shopping season to the entire holiday season. It’s so big that economists worry of we’ll spend enough.

I blame the Cabbage Patch Kids. Those things ruined Christmas in 1983, turning it into a nightly newscast of parents punching one another in the head. I watched in horror. These people had lost their minds and were in danger of keeping my parents from buying me a G.I. Joe SkyStriker. This would not do. And can we all admit that Cabbage Patch Kids were ugly? The only use for them I ever found was that their head could plug up a mimosa pitcher. I thank Aunt Monica for proving it to us.

Ever year after that, companies looked for another reason for parents to hurt one another. None of it affected me much as I entered high school. All I wanted were Beatle records and DC Comics and both were readily available. The year I graduated college Buzz Lightyear caused a minor storm, but that blew over quickly.

Then came Tickle Me Elmo.

Most people of my generation hate Elmo. He’s seen as an act of desperation by the Children’s Television Workshop, rudderless without Henson and feeling the flames of Barney at their heels. So we really didn’t need another reason to hate him. But I worked in a JC Penney’s that year and we saw it coming in November. First a few came through. Then a lot. Then none. Orders were being sent away. People were getting angrier. The only one laughing was Elmo. And screw him.

Since then I do all my holiday shopping on Amazon. I truly believe my friends and family don’t own enough books or dvds so it benefits everyone. Guys on the action figure message boards get all excited, hoping a rare figure will be put on the shelves. Me? I stay the hell away from a store today and when we’re in town we spend the day helping my father in law with his Christmas wreath business.

And man, is that cold.

Thanksgiving

Not a fan.

A lot of people seem to care about this one. They love the food. They love the parade. They love football. Not me. To me this holiday is just a roadbump between Halloween and Christmas.

What's it all about? Well, apparantly the Pilgrims had no idea there was winter in America. So when it snowed they naturally assumed their days were numbered. But lo and behold the Indians came to their rescue bringing turkeys and cranberries and allowing the Pilgrims to survive until spring.

The Indians would come to regret this.

So the whole thing is no food, then food. Jesus did that with some bread and fish and that was a miracle. We don't get that day off. Hell, as a country, we actually did something on the 4th of July but I don't have to travel cross-country to celebrate that.

I do like this picture though:



Mostly because it looks like Grover is going to devour a dozen people.

Go eat something.

John Kerry on jury duty

This is just kicking a man when he's down.

On the road.

We're in Ohio right now en route to Chicago. I don't know how consistent my access will be this week so I'm posting whenever I can.

This may seem unamerican, but I don't like driving. As a NYC native I didn't have to get a license until I was 25. And the traffic was so nuts I didn't want to drive in the city.

The second day I had my license I got into an accident. In my mom's car. In a parking lot. The damage was totally superficial so I never mentioned it to my parents. Then a $1000 bill showed up. It taught me a valuable lesson about cars; the slightest bump can cause thousands of dollars of damage.

Unfortunately, it's a lesson that replays in my mind every time I'm behind the wheel. I love our 2003 Beetle and I love how easy it is to drive. But as soon as I see another car in my sights, I see property damage. And I don't trust that car.

Renee and I have a deal. She drives in the city and I drive cross-country. It's usually a good trade but I just got in from three hours of eighteen wheelers. Eighteen wheelers that threaten to push me off the road. Took the fun out of it.

I'll try to keep posting through the holiday.

UPDATE:The driving pussification will end! I drove most of the day and through downtown Chicago today. No adverse reactions as of yet. Oh, and there is wireless acess in one corner of Renee's parents' house. Blogging can continue unabated.

Wedding Ideas

As I've said before, the groom should pick five things in the wedding that are his ideas alone. He will get LOTS of pressure to back down, but he must stand firm. Good things will happen if he is pure of heart.

I picked the music. We talked to a dj on the phone and I mentioned to him that I had made a playlist for the wedding.

'Well we usually do about 50 songs through a reception.'
'Oh.'
'How many songs have you got?'
'83.'

There was editing to be done.

The next thing I tackled was the 'save the date' card. The invitation would be formal, but the 'save the date' could be anything I wanted. I worked with my good friend Rich Kelly and we were very happy with the result. Renee thought it was great until it was time to send them then got cold feet. I persisted and it went out. I still think it's a huge breakthrough in 'save the date' technology:



I had some say in the venue and food. A top shelf open bar was a no-brainer to me but it still found itself caught in deliberation. Renee brought me my final idea. She had found a place that did custom fortune cookies. You could write whatever you wanted on the fortunes.

YOU COULD WRITE WHATEVER YOU WANTED ON THE FORTUNES.

Renee was thinking our names and the date. I wasn't. Brian and I sat down and cranked out headline after headline. The confusion on people's faces when they opened the cookies was a joke worthy of Andy Kaufman. I still want to do something else with these cookies. Here's the full copy deck:


Your lucky numbers are 7,7,7,7,7, and 7
Try to remember this.

Happiness is a smile away.
And a smile is three drinks away.

I'm a piece of paper.
What do you want from me?

Did you lock the car?

Cold is nothing but the absence of heat.
And don't let nobody tell ya different.

Remember when Coach on 'Cheers' died?
Man, that was sad.

You will sing the theme song to a show you hate.

Renee and Jon got married today.
Well, what do ya know?

A bird in the hand is worth 2.75
According to the Dow Jones.

This fortune comes from a broken home.

You've earned three wishes for releasing me.
Wait, wrong superstition. You get nothing.

I'm actually safer to eat than the cookie.

You will grow rich writing fortunes.

Dewey will beat Truman.

You will soon eat a fortune cookie.

Beware of the...Well, you'll find out.

Sparky's Walk

Last week we went to Borders for Pilar's book signing. I've mentioned her before. Recently she's been illustrating a series of children's books which you can find here. They're super cute and a dollar goes to Adopt-a-Dog for every book. Considering they're self-publishing and making very little off the books anyway, it's truly generous.

Robert Blake guilty

Mostly because this time he took the stand. His defense still professes his innocence. His goal now; find the real killers. And kill them.

AFI's 100 Cheers

The American Film Institute is releasing a list of the 100 most inspirational films. Something tells me "Fight Club" won't be on it. Or "Falling Down". That's a shame because those two films sure help me feel better.

Reminder: Saving Grace tonight!

Okay here's the deal. We got hooked up with a booking agent and tonight is our first gig with them. If a ton of people show up, more gigs follow. People don't; well, we just look like four big doofuses don't we?

Now I know I have a lot of friends on this board. There are more of you coming by than I hoped and I'm grateful for all of you. You love this blog. I love this blog. So let's have a blog convention tonight. Right here:

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 17 9 p.m.
PUSSYCAT LOUNGE, 96 Greenwich at Rector, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 212-349-4800
Train: 1 to Rector. 4 or 5 to Wall Street. N or R to
Downtown Rector.


Stop by. I promise I will post more women peeing their pants.

Black-Eyed Pee

When you're in a hotel in the morning, you will watch anything that's on tv. While we were in San Francisco, we left MTV on. That's where we got hatefully obsessed with the Black-Eyed Peas song, "My Humps".

I had never heard the Black-Eyed Peas but all the press led me to believe they were like the Fugees. Oh, that was so wrong. I'm immune to almost all profanity but this is the crudest song I have ever heard.

And it's no.1 on itunes.

The video itself is nothing, just the Black-Eyed Peas trying to look really cool in front of a grey background. It's the song itself that's repugnant.

First of all, it's annoying. Annoying in the way the original X Wing toy was annoying. A grating, screeching sound that gets your attention but as soon as you focus on it, it hurts you. Whiny, tinny, repetitive. It's the catchiest melody since, "Warriors. Come out to playyy."

Then there are the lyrics. Random lines were stuck in our heads all weekend.
"What you gonna do with all that breasts in your shirt?" is ungrammatical and repulsive but it doesn't beat the key image the song hinges on; "my lovely lady lumps." If there's anything that's less of a turn-on and still implies unmutilated sexual organs, I've never heard it. These lyrics make me miss the subtlety of "Move Bitch, Get Out the Way".

And thematically? Well, I guess it's trying to be sexy. But you ever walk into a really sleazy strip club and feel just embarrassed? It's sexy like that. And it's confusing. Through the chorus she sounds like she's gonna do the guy who's 'spendin' all his money on me' but the verses seem to be about rape whistles. She's constantly telling guys not to touch her or she'll start 'drama'. I've been to high school. I've dated cockteases. But this is simply schizophrenic.

And it's no. 1 on itunes.

The girl in this video looks like a younger, skankier version of Kirstie Alley. I thought maybe I was judging her too harshly but That skanky image was just reinforced by this picture:


Nothing says sexy like a girl who's pissed herself.

"What you gonna do with all that pee in your pants?"

And it's no. 1 on itunes.

Hellboy

Hellboy is a success story to cults everywhere. Mike Mignola first created the character for Dark Horse in 1994 after a solid career drawing for Marvel and DC Comics. Mignola always said he wanted to draw a book that contained everything he liked. This is it. It's the story of a demon from hell raised by humans and now works as a paranormal investigator fighting demons and monsters.

Hee hee hee.

Since it's a melting pot of all of Mignola's influences the books can be a little hodgepodge. Stories just sort of happen without a lot of structure. But what happens is always great. Monster fights, old mythology, people yelling "BOOM!" and lots of lots of darkness drew in a small but loyal readership. Not bad considering Mignola barely draws a story a year.

One of those readers was Guillermo del Toro who fought tooth and nail to turn it into a feature, vowing to keep it true to the comic. He did and the film is as brilliant and as cultish as the book. It's one of my favorite movies and I've lent it to a few friends who can't get past this cover.



One of Mignola's strengths is that when someone else wants to do a Hellboy story, he lets them do it their own way. So there have been stories by Eric Powell, Erik Larsen, John Cassiday and more drawing a very stylized character in a totally different style. The latest version is this one:


This comes from Tad Stone's new blog detailing the creation of two direct to dvd animated films. There's only a few entries so far but it's already a fascinating look into the animation process.

By the way, I got the opportunity to meet Mike Mignola last year at Midtown Comics and totally blew it. I had no idea he was signing but when I stopped by there he was and not much of a crowd around him. I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't sound nerdy and, since I was caught up on the book, couldn't find anything to buy that he could sign. I hung around for about ten minutes and left. I'm still kicking myself for letting that opportunity slip by.