Monday, October 17, 2005

Some random thoughts about weddings

I've been trying to come up with a post about Andrew's wedding Saturday but I haven't been able to turn it into a story. It was more of a series of random images.

It occurs to me I've been to about 25 weddings, five wedding parties and my own marriage has been going for 18 months. So I've picked up a few trivialities:


A tuxedo stops looking glamorous once you notice all the waiters are wearing them too.

After one month your wedding band builds up a serious callous in your palm.

The one thing you think no one noticed during the ceremony? That's all they noticed.

Every best man speech must insult the groom then add, "but he did okay because today he married this fantastic woman." Do it the other way around and the bridal party will punch you.

If more than two people get up to make a speech, it will invariably turn into drunken sobby ramblings.

The hour before your wedding is the most stressful time in your life. This is compounded by all the idiots telling you it is the happiest day in your life.

You have to dance. There is no way out of this. YOU HAVE TO DANCE.

If you are the newly married couple, you're not going to spend much time together. It feels wrong but it happens.

The meal is one fifth as important as the open bar.

If you have a live band, people dance. If you have a dj, people sing.

If Jimmy Walker is there, you're gonna hear "Piano Man".

No one wants to pose for the wedding pictures. Not before the wedding, not between the ceremony and the reception and certainly not after you've gone through a bottle of champagne.

Your honeymoon gets better with each check you open.

The parents will always stress out more than the couple. That's because no matter who pays for the damn thing, the parents look responsible.

The bride is in charge of the wedding planning. The groom is a consultant. If the groom agrees to everything, the bride will assume he's not paying attention and yell at him. If the groom disagrees with bride's choices, she will yell at him. As a groom, pick only five things you care about. And be prepared to get yelled at for every one of them.

The groom should only pick groomsmen that make him laugh. As a groomsman, that's your only job.

Separate your ceremony and reception into two buildings and people are going to skip one. And it's not going to be the one with the free booze.

If you are married already, know exactly how long you have been married. Because people will ask.

Hooking up with a bridesmaid at a wedding is an urban legend. Anyone who says it happened to them is only propagating the legend and building the false hopes of single men everywhere.

Going to a bar after the wedding always seems like a bad idea. But it's a really good idea.

4 comments:

The wife said...

I think I ruined the Best Man's only slim chance at hooking up at the wedding.....

too bad for him.

Andrew had such a nice wedding day! EVERYTHING was GREAT!

These are cute, and as your Bride I see exactly where they are coming from....

Don't forget though, you don't want to be "that guy" on the dance floor! ;-) [sorry Qner...]

Brian Kunath said...

That reminds me, I have one:

When you're dancing with your girlfriend at a wedding and she begins to mime the lyrics to "Shout," never grab her hands and say: "Don't be that guy."

She won't find it funny. Not even if she gets the reference to the 1994 movie PCU.

Trust me on this.

Stark Raving Fool said...

If you're drunk and someone slaps a microphone in your hand to say great things about the bride and groom, dont do it. Its funny for the first five seconds until you mention that trip Tijuana with the groom, hookers, being forced to do cocaine and escaping with your lives.

murphy said...

brilliant!!!

what about the pulled muscles in your face from all the smiling?