Sketch of the week

We're on full sketches now. I got some great notes on this so it will change soon but here's the basic idea:

(OPEN ON: A SMALL COFFEE SHOP. JOHN IS SITTING AT A BOOTH. DAVE ENTERS AND WAVES TO GLADYS THE WAITRESS AND HOLDS UP TWO FINGERS. SHE NODS. HE WALKS TO THE TABLE AND SHAKES JOHN’S HAND WITH A BIG GRIN.)

DAVE
Hey buddy, great to see ya!

JOHN
Hi, Dave.

(DAVE SITS DOWN.)

DAVE
What’s it been? Two months? I don’t know why you picked this place though, the coffee sucks.

JOHN
Cut the crap, Dave. I know.

DAVE
What?

JOHN
I know you’ve been stealing my mail.

DAVE
Stealing your mail? That’s ridiculous! Why would I steal your mail?

JOHN
I don’t know but you are.

DAVE
How can you even suspect me?

JOHN
Because you’re my mailman!

DAVE
Be that as it may-

JOHN
Give me my mail, Dave. It’s illegal, it’s immoral, and if I don’t get it back, we’re not friends anymore, get me?

DAVE
Okay, okay. I thought this might happen.

(DAVE HAULS A GIANT MAILBAG ONTO THE TABLE. GLADYS PUTS DOWN TWO CUPS OF COFFEE, FILLS THEM AND LEAVES. )

JOHN
That’s a lot of mail.

DAVE
Well, you’re a popular guy. People like you. I like you.

JOHN
Shut up.

(JOHN RUMMAGES THROUGH THE BAG. HE PULLS OUT A LETTER THAT HAS CLEARLY BEEN OPENED AND RESEALED.)

JOHN
Dave, this is from TBS. I had an interview a year ago and I never heard from them again.

(JOHN OPENS THE LETTER)

JOHN
You see? This is a job offer! I could have been a producer!

DAVE
You would have hated it.

JOHN
What?

DAVE
They would have moved you to Atlanta and we couldn’t hang out anymore. I’d have to pass your empty apartment every day. It wasn’t worth it.

JOHN
I can’t believe you could be so selfish- what’s this?

(JOHN PULLS OUT A CARE PACKAGE. IT IS A BASKET OF DEAD FLOWERS. HE READS THE CARD ATTACHED.)

JOHN
This is from Lucy! She wanted to get back together! This was sent eight months ago!

DAVE
It wasn’t meant to be.

JOHN
I went to her wedding last week!

DAVE
And didn’t she look happy?

JOHN
What else did you do?

(JOHN DIVES INTO THE BAG. HE PULLS OUT A FORMAL LOOKING LETTER AND READS IT.)

DAVE
Oh, you don’t want to read that.

JOHN
Nanna died?

DAVE
Yeah, I hate to be the one to break it to you, buddy.

JOHN
Last year!

DAVE
You weren’t in a good place then. I mean, you just lost that job in Atlanta-

JOHN
This is from her attorney. She left me two million dollars! (READS) “If you do not claim your inheritance in thirty days, all assets will revert to”-my cousin Stu! Oh, perfect!

DAVE
Wow.

JOHN
You cost me two million dollars.

DAVE
I gotta plead ignorance on that one, I swear. I stopped reading after the first paragraph.

JOHN
You’re not supposed to read it at all!

DAVE
Hey! I was just looking out for you, trying to protect you, you know, as a friend! And what about all the great times we had? Remember when I stopped you from killing yourself?

JOHN
Because I had no job, no girlfriend and nanna wouldn’t return my phone calls.

(JOHN SIGHS AND PULLS OUT A MANGLED LETTER.)

JOHN
This is from the state.

DAVE
Well how do ya like that?

JOHN
You know what this is? This is a felony, Dave. I’m not screwing around, it’s-

(JOHN READS THE LETTER.)

JOHN
Oh, this is a good one. As a public service, the state feels it’s my right to know that my mailman-

(JOHN POINTS AT DAVE.)

JOHN
-is a child molester.

DAVE
Well, I didn’t want to brag.

(JOHN JUMPS UP FROM THE TABLE.)

JOHN
You know what, Dave? I don’t want to be your friend anymore. And I know I don’t want you to be my mailman. I’m moving to Atlanta and starting over. You should just be glad I don’t have you arrested.

(JOHN STORMS OFF. DAVE SITS FOR A MOMENT AND MOTIONS TO GLADYS.)

DAVE
Hey Gladys, this coffee isn’t too good. Can I get a latte?

GLADYS
A what? I don’t got time for this. The bank keeps telling me they haven’t gotten any payments on this place. Those bastards are gonna shut me down.

(GLADYS LEAVES. DAVE FLASHES A WICKED GRIN.)

DAVE
Yeah, that’s too bad.

Fade.