Celebrity Wiretapping

Last week, I wrote a desk piece about this for class. It went along these lines:

Host: With the controversy surrounding Bush’s approval of illegal wiretapping, we wondered; just whose conversations are being tapped? The answers may surprise you with our look at “The Celebrity Wiretap Spreadsheet.”

Paris Hilton talks about her shoes. For 48 minutes.
Conclusion: Not a threat. Good shopper.

Arnold Shwarzennegar threatens to knock California into the Pacific Ocean with his bare hands. Laughs maniacally.
Conclusion: Not a threat. Good Republican.

Michael Moore orders pizza.
Conclusion: THREAT. Big fat threat.

Brad and Angelina’s baby is shown through ultrasound. Yes, we can also tap ultrasound. It’s sound. We can tap it.
Conclusion: Not a threat. But get to this kid before he’s born in Hollywood.

Al Franken calls a wrong number.
Conclusion: THREAT. In code, most likely.

Gilbert Gottfried calls a 976 number. Rambles for two hours.
Conclusion: Inconclusive. No one was listening to him.

George Bush Sr. calls Bill Clinton to discuss relief efforts.
Bill Clinton Conclusion: Not a threat. Is finally hanging out with the right crowd.
George Bush Sr. Conclusion: SERIOUS THREAT. TALKS TO BILL CLINTON.

Now comes word that this is actually happening. Granted it's being done not by the U.S. government but by a sleazy private eye, but I maintain my prescience. Why not, I could use the ego boost.