Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Bicycle Thief

Who steals a bike with a baby seat?

I needed strap locks for the Rickenbacker (at this price I'm not looking forward to dropping it) so I strapped Ben in the bike seat and rode out to Guitar Center. Drucker called as we left so we stopped by his place first.

There was an odd energy on Northern Boulevard. First the guy at the gas station wouldn't break a dollar to fill the tires with air. He wouldn't make eye contact either. Ben got one hit of Best Buy's central air and ran for half an hour. No one bought anything. He was so wired he wouldn't get back in the bike so we left it locked up at Best Buy. Mistake.

The repesentative at Guitar Center holds the chain's record for the prettiest and knowing the least about her product. They balanced each other perfectly. I couldn't get mad at her. See? Attractive people are treated differently. The drum and keyboard departments sent Ben into overdrive so when we left he made a beeline for Chuck E. Cheese. Drucker was in the mood for terrible pizza so we followed him in.

Chuck E. Cheese is like Atlantic City for kids. It wants to be Vegas but it's trying too hard. It goes beyond letting kids get their energy out and feeds upon it. No matter how crazy they get, it's not enough for Chuck E. The robot mouse also had a broken wrist. Looked like Luke at the end of "The Empire Strikes Back" and creeped us the hell out.

We got back and there was no bike. None. No broken lock, no slivers of metal. It was just gone. The area was so clean I thought the Best Buy employees must have moved it. But how would they move a bike with a combination lock? Somebody stole it. Somebody stole a bike with a baby seat and a tiny baby helmet on it.

The last time I had a bike stolen I was riding it. I was in the seventh grade on the way to being an altar boy at St. Camillus and a kid kicked it out from under me. Yes, my bikes are stolen when I'm being ridiculously good.

I must be an adult now because I'm not nearly as upset. I'm just disappointed. Renee was a lot more upset. She wanted to go over the crime scene. She wanted to make a report. I just wish I put the baby seat on the shittier bike.

What goes through the mind of a thief who steals a bike with baby seat? Doesn't the little helmet give them pause? Shouldn't that strike a moment of clarity where the offender puts the bolt cutters back and reexamines his life? Apparantly not. My one consolation is I am postive that a guy who starts out stealing a bike from a parent and toddler ends up shot in a drug deal gone wrong. Go karma.


Dave said...

They should be fuckin' killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.

Walker said...

I have a guess....maybe it was stolen by another baby...does ben have an arch enemy like the baby with the connected eyebrow from the simpsons?

Mark Feigenson said...

Nice writing, man.