Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Inauguration Jokes

Here's everything I wrote about the inauguration. Unless I get up tonight I can't ever do these again.

How great was the inauguration? After all these years we finally get to see... Bush leave.

The Democrats were glowing. The Republicans were...crippled. What the hell happened to these people? George Bush Sr. came hobbling out. The CNN anchors said, "We don't know what's wrong with him." I figured Frodo threw the ring into Mt. Doom. And evil was falling.

Then Cheney comes out in a wheelchair. This was fantastic. I always thought he was Mr. Potter from "It's a Wonderful Life." Now I have proof. "You're worth more dead than alive, George Bailey!"

You want further proof he's evil? He was wearing a black fedora! The last guy I saw wearing a black fedora was threatening Marion with a poker. "We are not thirsty."

All the celebrities were there. John Cusack, Steven Spielberg. This was an historic moment. It was the closest John Cusack will ever get to Spielberg. He wasn't even in "The Terminal."

You know Obama took his oath on a Bible that was last used for Lincoln? Those rascists. First black president and he can't even get his own Bible.

I wonder how many presidents were turned down for that Bible.
"You know, I'd like to be sworn in on that Lincoln Bible."
"You know, no."
"Why can't I be sworn in on the Lincoln Bible?"
"Because you're Nixon! Come back in four years when you're not Nixon!"

Then CNN covered three hours of a luncheon. They didn't cut away. Wolf Blitzer was on the air saying, "Democrats, they like to eat birds."

So I turned it off. I came back and they were saying, "Ted Kennedy had a seizure during the luncheon." Those Kennedys. Always have to be the center of attention. "Sure there's a new president, but look at me! Stop eating! Pay attention to me! Get me a stretcher!"

That was a good five minutes.


People in the Sun said...

With the loss of political power, they lost access to the Lizard People bloody serum of youth. Everyone knows that. Bush Sr. will regain his power when Jenna becomes President, and Cheney will regain his after he eats Lynn.

Anonymous said...

Considering how bad the last Indy was. John C. should consider himself lucky.
But getting next to Gong Li in his next film is 100 times better
Kudos John.