Siskel and Ebert

The transit strike is on which means I'm working from home. It also means I'm watching stuff like this. Check out this clip of Siskel and Ebert cursing each other out and planning to overthrow the government while taping promos. It's angry, hilarious and makes me miss Gene Siskel.

One Man Star Wars Trilogy

Yesterday my sister decided to take her husband to see the One Man Star Wars Trilogy for his birthday. Renee and I went along and it turned out to be a very good idea.

Since 2001, Charlie Ross has been condensing all of George Lucas' original trilogy into one hour. I was hoping just to watch a guy have lightsaber fights with himself. But he goes way beyond that. Giving twenty minutes to each film, Charlie runs through just about every character with slight impressions and exaggerations. Outside of a few side comments, he's completely faithful to the original dialogue. And does the funniest Jabba the Hutt I've ever seen.

But what really impressed was that he also did the sound effects and the one thing that gave the films a soul; John Williams music. I was actually expecting some canned music and sound effects from the p.a. but Charlie does it all with his mouth. That and a lot of running around and falling down.

I think it goes without saying that it helps to have seen the trilogy at least fifty times. The crowd was a nice mix. Lots of kids who really enjoyed his energy. Kevin Pollack sat next to us and he seemed to enjoy it considerably. Renee, my sister and brother-in-law were in tears the entire hour. As for me, I really want to come back to see him do Lord of the Rings.

Last night's show

Oh, it was interesting.

My cousin Emily (the one allergic to peanuts) called us up. She was in town staying with some friends and would we have time to meet up? I told her about the show and she thought it would be perfect.

The Pussycat Lounge is built over a strip club. Actually, it's part of a strip club. The second floor is a rock club. I'm not entirely comfortable with that arrangement. I was less comfortable with the changes that were sprung on us when we arrived.

Seems the second floor was rented for a private party. All the bands would be playing in the strip club. The management neglected to tell us this. We walked into the red lit long barroom and saw a drum kit and two 4x12 cabinets stacked on the end of the bar where the strippers would have been.

Then I noticed the strippers were still there.

Now I sense some confusion. These weren't hot strippers. These were nasty ass strippers. They fall into two categories; bony and dumpy. And both categories fall into heroin addiction. The last time I was there the bouncer grabbed a woman by the face and threw her down. Six months ago we were playing Arlene's Grocery. Now all we can get is playing for strippers. I made a decision. I'm not doing this anymore. And I'm not getting up on that stage.

From then on it was a race to head off Emily. I'm a firm believer in 'the show must go on' but experience has now shown me that I draw the line providing the music for a striptease. It was a stark 'what am I doing with my life' kind of moment.

The good news was we found Emily and her friends and got trashed in the pizza place next door. That was fun.

Show tonight!

Don't forget my band is playing tonight at 11. So you can hear my music live, you see. For my comedy, just scroll down.

Saving Grace tonight 11 p.m.
PUSSYCAT LOUNGE, 96 Greenwich at Rector, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 212-349-4800
Train: 1 to Rector. 4 or 5 to Wall Street. N or R to
Downtown Rector.

Play Cole Productions

Here's where you'll find the archive of all our films. We'll be updating each of them with a youtube version but for now you can access the older files through Andrew's site. Individually they are:


Tension Envelopes 3 minutes



The First Commandment 3 minutes



The Job Interview 5 minutes


Blind Travelogue- Yellowstone 30 seconds



Planet of the Apes: Behind the Grunts 3 minutes



Jeremiah- animation
30 seconds
We have 30 films and counting so keep visiting for more.

Play Cole is online!

I've been promising this for a while and Andrew delivered. Here's our first film on the Web. It's only 5 minutes so no one will notice you while you watch this at work:

The Job Interview

MTA

We're closer to a strike on the subways and buses than I thought.

Every couple of years this happens. Now it's just getting sickening. In 1999 the fare was $1.25. There was a huge surplus so the MTA began issuing unlimited Metrocards. Workers got angry and threatened to strike. My girlfriend at the time worked in newsradio and was camped outside the negotiations for days on end. The strike was averted two days after the deadline.

Three years later, there was a huge deficit. No one knew why. Again, there was threat of a strike and the fare went up to $1.50. Then they found two sets of books. Someone was embezzling. No one was indicted. I never even heard a name.

Six months ago, there was another huge deficit and another fare hike; this time to $2.00. And guess what they found? Two sets of books. Now, all of a sudden, there's a huge surplus. Did they lower the fare back down? No. Did they fix up the stations or give workers a raise? Sorry. The solution the MTA reached is to give tourists a discount during the holidays.

Excuse me while I break this drywall with my head.

No wonder there's a strike coming! Not only is the MTA admitting they're robbing us and refuse to stop but they're going to screw over their workers at the same time.

Will tourists even notice? If Johann from Germany comes to New York for New years and sees the fare is one dollar instead of two, will he be grateful? No, he'll think that's what we're paying! And do you think that extra dollar is going back into our economy? I think it's going back to Germany.

This is truly the golden age of greed. The 80's? Screw the 80's. The 80's were about working hard so you could get promotions and a fat salary. Now is the time where corporations are free to blatantly exploit the public and raise prices just to see how far they can. They're pushing the envelope on 'what the market will bear'.

Skimming no longer exists. If you're a CFO, just dive into the pot with both hands and pull out as much as you can for yourself. We'll let you get away with it. We can't afford health insurance but no one's stopping you from buying another boat with our 401K. Everyone just shrugs.

What killed blame? Was it O.J.? Or the fact that the White House has so many ties to corrupt corporations that we're all taught to turn a blind eye? No one gets indicted. No one even shoots themselves in the head on tv anymore.

At least Tamany Hall got things done.

Chuck Norris

I hate Chuck Norris. His movies are dumb and his giant upper lip is distracting. That said, Dan X. sent me this yesterday and it's pretty funny.

The Widescreen debate.

For the last five years, since dvd became a mainstream product, there's been a fight between widescreen and full frame ratios. Basically it goes like this:

Film buffs want to see films the way they were originally shown, even if you have to fit a rectangle into a square picture frame.

Casual buyers don't care and think picture is being wasted by those 'black bars' on the screen.

And round and round we go.

Two things have helped bring widescreen to the masses. The first being all those commercials now shown in letterbox. Nothing breeds acceptance like the technique being forced on you twenty times a day. The other is of course all those wonderful 16x9 TVs everyone wants nowadays. I've got one so I'm already spoiled. Thanks to this, people have gotten used to movies in widescreen whether it fills a 16x9 screen or leaves black bars on a 1.33 screen.

But then there's television.

The studios want us all to buy 16x9 screens. In high definition, no less. So they began shooting most shows for a 16x9 frame a few years ago. Some shows like 'ER' give normal screens the black bars. Others like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' (when it was on) chop off the left and right sides of the screen if you're not watching it in high definition, which leaves the viewer a bit disoriented. There's always some action happening off screen.

Fortunately most television shows on dvd have been shown in widescreen. 'Desperate Housewives' was a struggle but we've been renting the show in widescreen and we're happier for it.

Which brings me to animation.

Unless you're a comic book geek, you probably have no idea that Bruce Timm has been creating the greatest superhero animated series for over 12 years now. It started with the monumental 'Batman: the Animated Series' in 1992 and went seamlessly into 'Superman', 'Batman Beyond' and now 'Justice League'. Over the course of over three hundred episodes so far, Timm and his staff have created a universe that's faithful to the comics, consistent to itself and always innovative. And now he's doing it in widescreen.

Cartoon Network was iffy about Timm's decision to shoot in widescreen so they comprimised. On Saturday nights, 'Justice League' aired in 16x9. On Sundays, 1.33. Confusing but it kept everyone quiet.

Now it's coming out on dvd. And the Warners Kids department doesn't like widescreen. They assume that kids don't have the capacity to understand they're seeing more of the screen, not less. And kids don't make nearly enough money to buy a 16x9 television set. The solution? Chop up' Justice League' and throw it out there.

The adult fans are pretty angry about this. Whether Warners wants to admit this or not (and they don't) this is a show that skews to an older demographic. The same way 'South Park' or 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' appeals to an older crowd. Adult animation is finally accepted, but superheroes are still seen as a kid's property. That's the problem.

The World's Finest is starting a campaign to release 'Justice League' in widescreen. And they've explained it better than I ever could. With the all the hard work the crew puts in on this show, it would be a crime to throw 30% of it away. Bruce Timm himself wants to see the dvds the way he intended them. So do I. So go over to the campaign and see how you can help. And remember, even if you don't care about 'Justice League', right now studios are making similar decisions about a show you love.

UPDATE: Warners has decided to release future seasons in widescreen!

Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor passed away yesterday after a long battle with multiple sclerosis.

I think I was born too late to really understand Pryor. To me, he's like Lenny Bruce; a pioneer in comedy I respect more than love. I grew up with Pryor on Sesame Street and in lightweight movies like 'The Toy' and by the time I saw his stand-up movies like 'Sunset Strip' it looked a little dated. I'm sure the same could be said for someone seeing Eddie Murphy's 'Delerious' or Bill Cosby's 'Himself' today. The impact isn't the same.

But that doesn't deny the impact itself. Just like Lenny Bruce, Pryor struggled with the traditions of comedy, breaking them to create a new style that influenced everyone who came after. That effect can't be measured but it's as great as the loss today.

100 Movie Quotes

While the American Film Institute's lists are getting sillier and sillier (why no 100 greatest directors?) this one is actually pretty fun. Renee kept hearing the voices of each actor in her head as she went through them. I think it's remarkable how many great quotes come out of bad movies.

Saving Grace Xmas show!

Picture this. It's December 17th. One week till Christmas. And you can't face the gifts, the cold or your family. So you go out for a drink, let's say downtown Manhattan. You pull down a pint but you're still feeling down. So you wander out in the street. You get to the Pussycat Lounge at 11. Downstairs it's a guy's place but upstairs, something calls you. You walk in and Saving Grace is on stage. And they blow your fucking mind out of your skull.

Or, to make a long story short:

SATURDAY DECEMBER 17 11 p.m.
PUSSYCAT LOUNGE, 96 Greenwich at Rector, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 212-349-4800
Train: 1 to Rector. 4 or 5 to Wall Street. N or R to
Downtown Rector.

John Lennon

25 years ago today John Lennon was assassinated outside his home on Central Park West.

When I was in high school, John Lennon was my first role model. He was judiciously chosen. Jack Nicholson looked a little crazy. George Carlin seemed smarter than me. Batman wasn't real.

But I identified with John Lennon early on. His name was John for one thing. He played guitar so I stopped playing bass. He wore glasses and had a bump in the middle of his nose. And he was clever and sarcastic.

His public image after death was that of the 'proto hippie'. The guy who sang "love is all you need" and "give peace a chance". A skinny guy with stringy hair and a denim jacket. It makes great news copy; the man who lived for peace and love taken down in an act of violence. But that was only one side of John.

I always saw Lennon as a guy who wanted to love humanity but wasn't afraid to kick a little ass now and then. He wasn't above throwing in a thinly veiled threat in a love song (you ever listen to 'Run For Your Life'? It beats Johnny Cash for pure snarling.) Early stories about Lennon showed a young guy you did not want to fuck with. Someone who would throw a knife from a Hamburg stage. Someone who could drink seven Brandy Alexanders and get tossed from a Smothers Brothers show. Someone who would write mean songs about Paul McCartney.

And he was funny as hell. Paul and George were cute with the press but John was downright combative. Listen to a few interviews and you'll hear a definite Groucho Marx influence. Probably the most famous quote was his answer to 'How do you find America?' 'Turn left at Greenland.' If you take 'the Beatles are bigger than Jesus' with the amount of sarcasm John intended, it's a pretty funny line. But my favorite quote was an off the cuff remark he made when a reporter asked if he'd want to give it all up and join the circus. He replied, 'I've already given it all up. I just haven't figured out where to run.'

And he retired at 35. I'd love to retire in two years. I just don't have fifteen multi-platinum albums under my belt.

So if John Lennon was so complex, what does his assassination mean? Absolutely nothing. Just a random act by a madman. Mark David Chapman claimed he was following 'Catcher in the Rye'. I've read 'Catcher in the Rye' and Holden Caulfield never shoots anybody in it. There's no moral here, no meaning. It's just a goddamn shame.

There's a little spot at 72nd St and Central Park devoted to John Lennon called Strawberry Fields. It's right outside the Dakota where he lived and the sidewalk where he died. Every year people gather with acoustic guitars and play Beatle songs, drink hot chocolate or wine and stay up way too late in too cold a weather. Walker and I have made it a tradition over the last 25 years. We'll stop by tonight. I suggest you do too.

UPDATE: Scratch that suggestion. Strawberry Fields is so crowded tonight people were waiting on line to get in. In twenty years I've never seen it like that. I looked for Walker for a half an hour but it's cold out and I'm already sick so I gave up. Good to see people still care, though.

Saddam Trial: Officially a Circus

Saddam refused to show up at court today. Doesn't he realize he's playing right into our hands? All his posturing and pronouncements is resulting in the one thing he doesn't want; the entertainment of Americans.

If he really wanted to make us angry, he should just sit there quietly like O.J. did. We'd all watch him and complain. "How can he just sit there?", we'd cry. "Has he no soul?" Then, and only then, would Saddam truly have his revenge on America.

But no, he's got to go all Lex Luthor on us. Instead of that beard, he could have grown a handlebar moustache and tied a girl to the railroad tracks. He's not just evil, he's eeeeeeeeeeeevil. Mwa-ha-ha-ha. I haven't seen a more pompous defendant since Zsa Zsa slapped that cop. And America loves it.

We may be divided on the war but at least there's one thing the right and left can agree on; Saddam Hussein is a prick. Thank you Saddam, for bringing us together.

Frasier Beast

I'm fighting off a nasty cold right now but you can look at Kelsey Grammer as the Beast in next summer's X-Men 3. I'm still dubious about this movie since Bryan Singer's not a part of it but that makeup is definitely interesting.

UPDATE: Here's the trailer for X3.

Boondocks

I finally caught an episode of Boondocks on Cartoon Network. I'm not a regular reader of the strip but I've always liked it. And I loved the print ads I've seen around town.

Last night's episode combined racial profiling, anal rape, WMDs and Samuel L. Jackson as a white guy. It was as militant, political, satirical and funny as the strip. It was also Japanese.

Seriously, what the hell?

The character designs are almost nothing like the strip. Why did Aron MacGruder think the show should look like 'Ghost in the Shell'? They're not even designed for comedy. And they move like the old 90's 'Spider-Man' show before they got cheap and reused old animation. It's a bizarre decision that will hang up this show. It may survive on the goodwill of the strip but if it wants to go beyond it, this show has to decide what it wants.

All hail Mike Brumm!

This is a cause for celebration. Our good friend Michael Brumm has left Wunderman for a new job writing for the Colbert Report. Way to go in and out of advertising in less than three years, Mike.

Dammit, he's funny. He's this funny. And he deserves everything he gets.

The Big Feigu

Mark Feigenson is the one guy I know born to be in advertising. He truly loves it. He'll come in all excited from a headline he saw on a bus. It's almost inspiring. Almost.

It's this quality that makes him a great writer. And why I like his brand new blog. Take a look.

Face transplant

The first face transplant in history is doing well. She wishes to remain anonymous but if I were you I'd just look for the woman with two faces on her head. Then you got her. Actually, I think she wants to remain anonymous because she doesn't want to explain how it happened. Dog attack? I fear dogs as much as the next cat owner but what were you doing before dogs chewed your face off? Jewel heist?

It's still in its infancy but there are no signs that the procedure would make Nicolas Cage look like John Travolta. They're two different body types, people.

Damn peanuts.

I'd never heard of peanut allergies until about five years ago. But they're pretty serious. My cousin Emily missed most of our cousin's wedding thanks to the salad. But it's not as serious as this story in Quebec.

When I first met Chris Diclerico he told me he always wanted a girlfriend with peanut allergies. That way, if he ever had to get rid of her, it would look like an accident. It's ideas like that which make his blog so popular.