Lost

I like Lost a lot. I think out of all the shows that try to be the next X Files, this one fares the best. Having Terry O'Quinn on the cast certainly helps.

But what is going on down there? Drunk driving, illigitimate children, robberies at gunpoint? What are these people, sociopaths?

You know who I blame? I blame Hawaii. That's right. They shoot the show down there and it makes them all loopy.

I love Hawaii. Renee and I spent our first anniversary there last year. I still have a ukelele case from there that smells oddly like skunk. But the place is just too laid back. Everyone is so damn comfortable that you just want to drive crazy, father illigitimate children and get robbed. Because the only reaction you'll get is, "Hey, Mahalo!"

39

A stamp just went up two cents. With the internet now mainstream, this news seems a lot less relevant. How many envelopes do you drop in a mailbox these days? If it wasn't for Netflix, I wouldn't go near one.

No news on putting Jack Benny on the 39 cent stamp but it's such a perfect idea it's worth signing the petition.

Lou Rawls

Lou Rawls passed away yesterday from lung and brain cancer.

There was something I always dug about Lou Rawls. Maybe it's because "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine" is the coolest song with that long a title. He also had a four octave range. A guitar doesn't. You'll be missed, Lou.

The Lonely Island

By now, I'm sure you've at least heard about Lazy Sunday on Saturday Night Live. It's a hilarious gangsta rap that covers the Chronicles of Narnia, Magnolia cupcakes and Mapquest. The short film went unnoticed on the air but has become a sensation online. They're calling it a new lease on life for the show and another of those moments where they hand the show to the new kids.

Dave W. and I did a little digging though and found out it was written by the guys from The Lonely Island. Yeah, I had no idea who they were either but they were an L.A. comedy group that mainly created short films on the web. From the strength of their website, they were all picked up by SNL. Two are writers and the third, who appears in the short with Chris Parnell, is a featured player. Their success is a clear signpost that there are other ways to get noticed in sketch comedy than just the big improv schools (which is hope for all of us who bombed in improv 101). Check out their site and you'll find a lot more stuff which is just as strong.

West Virginia mine

I keep thinking about the disaster in the West Virginia mine yesterday. I'm sure you heard the story; there was an explosion 15,000 feet below and 12 miners were trapped. First news came out that they were all alive. Three hours later they retracted the statement; only one survived.

What strikes me most is the reaction of the families. It's not so much that their loved ones were dead. It was that they were told the opposite. Hope is a fragile thing, mostly because it has to manufactured. It takes a lot of work to believe the best will happen. It's easier to be prepared for things to go wrong since, well, they usually do. You have to 'keep hope alive' but you get a 'sneaking suspicion' that things will fall apart. But when someone tells you to have faith, they're asking you to leave yourself vulnerable if things don't work out. That's what happened here. The families were resolved to mourn their husbands and fathers but management told them to believe. So when the miners didn't survive, the hurt went twice as deep.

Personally, I'm waiting for the outrage. This mine had 50 violations against it. The miners knew it was unsafe. Some were taking night classes to switch careers just to get out of there. And yet, management didn't want to lose their profit margins. The saddest thing is these days, it's hard to tell if any of them will pay for their crimes.

More Arrested Development

I keep missing "Arrested Development" in its last lap around the FOX network but stories like this are precisely why I love it so.

I really hope Showtime picks it up. I don't have Showtime but I will keep buying the dvds.

The Chapelle Theory

Dave Chappelle imploded his career like no one before. I saw him twice in the early 90's; once in Washington Square Park, proclaiming as loud as possible to anyone who would listen and once in my student lounge, talking to the seven people there through a cheap microphone. I can't say I was blown away but I was impressed with how hard the guy worked. Over the next ten years, I heard him on Howard Stern and saw him in that Mel Brooks Robin Hood movie and think, "this guy is gonna be huge." But it never happened.

Then he got a show on Comedy Central. I wasn't hopeful. Lots of good comedians have had shows on Comedy Central that ran six weeks. Dana Gould, for example, had an excellent one. I checked out the first few episodes of "Chappelle's Show" and always came away with the same opinion; one great sketch, lots of junk. The guy really needed to build a group around him. Just seeing him surrounded by day players wasn't strong enough. He needed comic voices who were as talented as he was, working just as hard.

Somehow, a few months later, it was the hottest show on the network. It was the biggest tv box set ever. Comedy Central gave him a record 50 million dollar deal. It must have been a record because I don't know what anyone else got. I have no idea what Jon Stewart or the South Park guys make but Chappelle's salary was headline news.

And then he ran away. He just ran away. Not like Martin Lawrence, firing a pistol on the street in his underwear. Not like James Brown in a high speed chase. No, he just ran away. To Africa. He claimed he couldn't trust anybody anymore. I still maintain if he had found people he could trust early on, he wouldn't have had to give back the 50 mil.

But my opinion is nothing compared to this guy's site. Our old friend Dave W. sent it to me and man, have I missed conspiracy theorists. This webmaster is king of the lunatics. Just picturing Al Sharpton, Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey sequestered in a hotel scheming, "What's to be done with this Dave Chappelle?" It's too good to miss.

Weird Al Yankovic

Still going through Bill's mp3s and I found something shocking.

He has every Weird Al album.

Now Bill may not want you to know this but there it is. Sure, Weird Al Yankovic used to be hilarious, but I used to be 11. Anyway, I figured I'd listen to one or two songs before I deleted them.

I've gone through three albums. What amazes me most is how long Al's career has been. I mean, he's had a LONG career. The guy's been making albums since 1982. He released his latest in 2003. Van Halen doesn't even have a record contract anymore and Weird Al's still making albums. He had his own movie (with Michael Richards) and a tv show. He has a live dvd. And he's still out there.

I think the only reason he slowed down at all is there's no songs out there to parody anymore. Can you name the biggest song of 2005? Neither can I. Between the record companies canning bands left and right, iPods, the Clear Channel and American Idol, we simply don't listen to the top 40 these days. We don't even know what they are. And neither does Al.

The other thing that astounded me was how limited his lyrical content is. Food. TV. Dentists. That's about it. Every time a song parody started, my first thought was "Is this one about food or a tv show?" I believe "King of Suede" was the only one that went to third base. And, I can't say this enough, he's still out there. Keep it up, Al. Give us all hope.

Welcome 2006!

So glad we got out of 2005 in one piece.

Word Balloon

I'm addicted to this site. John Siuntres brings something new to comic book interviews; professionalism. Siuntres has worked for CBS, FOX Sports and ESPN and his polished interviewing style is a welcome change from the snotty sycophantic fanboys who usually tread this ground. Listen as he keeps the conversation rolling with Paul Jenkins. Thrill as Neal Adams attacks plate tectonics. Watch me growing sadder about my career choices with each interview.

Check him out here.

Village People

Bill was over for the holidays and left me with 20GB of mp3's. This is why record companies are nervous. Twenty years ago, Debbie Gibson appeared before congress denouncing blank tapes. Now you can trade thousands of songs in minutes. Good.

Anyway, I was going through these and found Best of the Village People. When I was a kid, I thought they had a wacky gimmick. "Look, one guy's a construction worker. One guy's an Indian. One guy's an astronaut (I wasn't paying very close attention). They have different jobs that help the village run."

Now I'm an adult. I can look at these songs with a different angle. "Y.M.C.A." "In the Navy". "Macho Man". "Fire Island." Now I realize something I never noticed before.

None of these guys were gay.

Oh maybe one or two, but no way they were THIS gay. It's too much. Nobody's this gay. Now the late 70's were a different time. Homosexuality wasn't nearly as accepted as it is today. Gaydar had yet to be invented. Heterosexuals simply could not pick up the subtlety of the gay culture. So the Village People had to go way over the top. Put on funny hats. Grow moustaches. Open their shirts. Sing every song they could about men. And thrust often. All so audiences of the late 70's could nudge their friends and say "You know, I think those guys might be gay."

The motorcycle cop really did have a good voice, though.

"Do This and Yeah"

Judging from yesterday's footage, the above is my directing style.

We did three new films yesterday, two of which are already edited. Andrew should have them online soon. Stuff is looking pretty good and bigger plans are shaping for 2006.

Today I need to clean up the house (shooting always trashes it) and go to a wedding but I leave you with the first joke I ever wrote. I was six and really amazed I came up with a brand new joke.

"What kind of music attracts fish?"
"Bait- hoven."

Give the kid a break, he's six.

Play Cole in HD!

We're shooting new films today. Someday you'll see them. But right now, you can see new improved versions of our first four films. Andrew has updated the analog transfers with all new digital files. For those of you that mentioned the limited picture and sound, they've been greatly improved. For those of you haven't seen these yet, you can see four original short films right now! For free! Take a look.

I want to see Play Cole.

Bush on 2005

I think it's safe to say 2005 was crappy for most of us. This blog is one of the very few things that have gone right for me this year. Thanks for that.

Looks like even Bush thinks it was a bad year. He's hoping, like the rest of us, 2006 will be better. I think his resignation would go a long way towards making that happen.

Calvin and Hobbes

Christmas was a family holiday with all the highs and lows that entails. I will never drive on Christmas Eve again.

Renee and I spent the morning together before heading out to my Uncle Timmy's. She got me a pile of dvds and some lavish books but the biggest surprise was The Complete Calvin and Hobbes which must weigh about 40 pounds. It's a three volume slipcase with thousands of Bill Watterson's strips. It's a delight because I didn't expect it and it's been so long since I've read these that I forgot how beautiful they were. It's so loaded with energy, real characters and warmth that I'm glad he stopped before it got old. I got 150 pages in without even realizing it. Only 1350 to go.

Merry Christmas!

What you get?

Gilbert Gottfried

Finally got to see Gilbert at Caroline's last night with the rest of Play Cole and a few friends. He was cripplingly funny. Honestly, I haven't laughed so hard since we saw Billy Connelly years ago. It's the same manic energy that leaves the audience clueless as to what he'll say next. He went from insults that made no sense to racial jokes that made no sense to impressions that made no sense.

There are two types of comedians. There are the type that say the world is crazy and they're the only sane people in it. That's most comedians, up to Jerry Seinfeld. Then there are the ones that are crazy themselves and they don't care if you find out. Those are the ones I treasure and Gilbert is at the top of that pile. Go see him.

The Star Wars Saga

The transit strike is over. It was like house arrest. It's five miles to work, Renee has the car in another state and it's twenty degrees outside. So I stayed in. I got a lot of projects done that have needed attention for too long. And I came up with a few dumb ideas. Like watching the entire Star Wars saga. I've always wondered if the whole thing fit together as seamlessly as George Lucas tells me it does. Now I know. (all images are from rebelscum.com )



Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace
This is a bad movie. Just bad. I've watched it at least ten times and it doesn't get any better. I think I understand it now. Lucas was trying to show us a happy galaxy before the Empror ruined it. Unfortunately, he confused happy with stupid. And funny with Jar Jar.

This has the least amount of story of them all. What do we learn that helps us? Anakin was a little kid. The Emperor was a senator. And C3PO was a work in progress. So what? And does anyone want to tell me why the pod race lasts over three laps? Does that help the story? What there was of it? Ewan McGregor would be good if they let him do anything. And Liam Neeson is good but he's good in everything. Better to watch him be good in Schindler's List or Batman Begins. Darth Maul is cool looking but ultimately he's not a character at all. He's a tattoo.

Rating: It doesn't deserve a rating.



Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Epiosde I is so bad it keeps sucking through the first hour of Episode II. Ewan McGregor is the Harrison Ford of this first trilogy. You can really tell in the second act because his scenes are the only ones of any interest. As for the other ones? Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen make their love scenes look like a high school play. That you keep trying to sneak out of. Even though your kid is in it.

But at least we're actually in the Star Wars universe. There are stormtroopers and Jedi and Boba Fett. And Christopher Lee always helps. Once the actual Clone War starts, it's pretty good. That's 20 minutes of a two and a half hour movie.

Rating: What do you think, 2?




Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

The best of the original trilogy. Which is to say it's almost good. It actually gets off to a great start then dies right on the screen thanks to Lucas' approach to character; wooden dialogue and stillborn pacing. It takes another hour to pick back up. And Lucas isn't funny. He's way too broad and sucks all the tension out of the action scenes. General Grevious (a really cool design) comes off as a buffoon right off the bat.

Hayden Christiansen can't play brooding or happy but he can play mean. Once he turns into Darth Vader and kills nearly the entire cast, you can see the purpose of this entire trilogy. Although the first two films don't add much. My recommendation if you've never seen Star Wars is to still start with the original trilogy. Then if you want to, watch only Episode III. If you completely fall in love with Star Wars, then watch all six before you buy any merchandise.

Rating: Half past pretty good.




Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Any future generation who thinks Episode I was made first will get a huge slap in the face from the opening of the 1977 classic. You might as well tell them Godzilla was made before Frankenstein. This is a 70's film through and through. It has a gritty reality to it that the first trilogy doesn't. Lucas will tell you it's because the Empire has taken over. I say it's because he was using minatures and props instead of nonstop cg animation. There's crap on the floor of the spaceships and fingerprints on the droids. And I think anyone who's never seen it before will catch the few cg enhancements a mile away.

There's also a simplicity of story here that the other five don't even attempt. There's mention of the Senate and the Emperor but we don't get twenty minutes of motions and commitees like the first trilogy. Instead we get C3PO and R2-D2 scared shitless by Jawas. And I prefer it that way. Screw Episode I, this is where it all starts. And where you should too.

Rating: You kidding? It's a freaking classic!




Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Oh man, this one's good. George Lucas gave up directing and shared the writing chores on this and it completely paid off. The characters are three dimensional, the jokes are funny, the Imperial theme kicks the ass of the main theme and every time the heroes are in a white place, bad things happen. This is the movie that cemented my obsession with the Star Wars universe as a boy. The subsequent films would crush that obsession.

They overdub John Ratzenberger's voice in this. Not fair but he'd have his revenge with every PIXAR movie. And Carrie Fisher had already destroyed her looks with cocaine. She's aged 10 years in the 3 between these films. Minor flaws to an almost perfect film.

Rating: Holy freaking crap in a solid gold toilet.




Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

What happened? This is supposed to be the climax to the greatest film saga ever. Why is it such a squishy turd? You got Jabba the Hutt and speeder bikes. That's it. Even the lightsaber fight is lackluster. And somehow when Mark Hamill tries to play badass, he just comes off as gay.

I get the feeling that everyone stopped caring by this point. Harrison Ford wanted to be Indiana Jones. ILM wanted to be Henson. George Lucas wanted to get through his divorce. And the director he hired wanted to please too much. The end result is simply weak. Which is almost an anagram for Ewok. Makes you think.

Rating: Meh. Definitively meh.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
So is it all one story? Oh God no. Lord of the Rings is one story. This is six. Two if you're feeling generous. That doesn't mean it's not worth watching. Even the crappiest movie (Episode I) has its moments. And both the original and Empire Strikes Back are great films that stand the test of time.

Storywise, it's fairly cohesive with very few inconsistencies. It certainly makes more sense than the four Alien films or the seven Nightmare on Elm Streets. But telling someone they were all written together? You wouldn't fool a potted plant with massive head trauma on that one.

Thank God the strike is over.

PVP xmas

You might recall I mentioned how much I like the comic strip PVP.Well it's getting better every day. I love today's where Kurtz draws a connection between the holidays and homophobia. Take a look then go there and check out the last few entries.

Oh, Santa.

Santa, sit down.

I understand you've been getting a lot of offers. And it can be hard to turn that money down. After all, you're in non-profit. And when a big corporation stops by and they give you a ton of cash to appear in a commerical, well I don't know if I could turn them away either.

But Santa, there's such a thing as 'diluting your brand'.



This is okay. Kind of classy, actually. Norman Rockwell feel. With this ad, you could finance all those XBox 360s kids want this year. This is well within the limit.



Now you'd think this is the same ad but there's one big difference; YOU'RE USING THE PRODUCT. It's much classier to just be near the product than demonstrating how much you enjoy it. You want to be Catherine Zeta Jones' T Mobile campaign. She just stands there. You don't want to be Garth Brooks in that new Wal-Mart spot. Wait a minute; you were in that spot. This is why we need to talk.



And now we're over the line. We're talking about spreading yourself too thin and what do you go and do? Put 375 Santas in one ad. No no no. What makes you special if 374 other people can do the same thing? I'm telling you, the next agency sees this ad, they're gonna hire a model to stand in your clothes. Then we're talking years of lawsuits. And time spent in the court is time not making toys. You're playing fast and loose with your image, Santa. And it's going to bite you in the ass.



Merchandising doesn't have to be cheesy. You have yet to learn this. Action figures are fine but why not go high quality with one? I know people at Art Asylum. They could have whipped up a six inch action figure with laser scanned likeness, multiple points of articulation and a paint wash. Who did you talk to? A factory owner in Hong Kong? This makes you look low rent, Santa. People don't respect a property that gives everyone the license. You have to pick and choose. You have to understand what each ad says about you.



DAMMIT, SANTA! This conversation is over. I expect to be handed power of attorney in the morning.