Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Rejected Onion Headlines

We've changed the format of Writer's Room from stand-up to readings (I did the Adam West story from this blog). Oddly, the common theme is people reading their rejected Onion jokes. It's given me the confidence to post these.

I got an audition for the Onion earlier this year. I was pretty excited. After three years of stand-up I thought this was my way in to professional comedy writing. I'd had an audition for the Colbert Report early on that didn't pan out so a shot at the Onion was lightning striking twice.

Unfortunately, they didn't pick any of these. I took that as a sign to go back to advertising but after hearing how much great stuff the Onion doesn't pick, I feel a little more loyalty to these jokes.

Report: 70% of Representatives Feel Watching C-SPAN Just As Good As Showing Up

Springsteen Ruins Perfectly Good Halftime Show With Song From New Album

“Book Comes To Life” Movie Produced By Executives Who Don’t Read

Robert Duvall to Use Southern Accent in Every Damn Movie Now

Deathbed Confession Pack of Lies

Board Meeting Not Worth Free Cookies

Producers of Star Trek Movie Promise Fans Way Less "Star Trek"

Expensive SUV Becomes Affordable House

Losing Team's Problem Started With Believing in Themselves

OP-ED: Zoo Animals Just Don't Keep the Paying Customer in Mind

Mother Tells Son Once, Thousand Times

Advertising Agency Avoids Eye-Contact Throughout Horrible Commercial Pitch

OP-ED: Congratulations on Creating the Sexy, Brooding Teenage Vampire, “Twilight” Author! by Joss Whedon

Racist Cartoon Based on True Story

Freak Accident Kills Freak

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