Little Buddy

So Gilligan's dead. It's been that kind of week.

I'll admit I haven't seen an episode of Gilligan's Island since college. I'll also admit it was pretty dopey. There was a giant spider in one that didn't look real at all. You can't get telepathic powers from eating sunflower seeds. Growing radioactive vegetables will not give you super powers. The Phil Silvers episode was a waste of a great talent. 'The Mosquitos' were a rip-off of 'the Monkees' who were a rip-off themselves. You can't make a coconut cream pie when the only ingredient you have is a coconut. That radio would have run out of batteries eventually.

But when I was a kid? You couldn't pull me off that show. I watched it over and over again until our tv caught fire. Literally. Ah, seventies technology. You were all based on tubes and humming and making things very very hot.

Bob Denver was always an interesting guy but never one you could lock down. Wasn't he arrested five years ago for buying pot for Maryann? Didn't he do a Simpsons? Wasn't he on 'Dobie Gillis'? Wasn't he the last living male from the cast? I'm sure the answers to all of these are yes but I can't prove it. Ah, well. Add him to the list of people I would have wanted to meet.

Saving Grace at Don Hill's Friday night!

My band will be playing Don Hills this Friday at 8. If you guess which one is me, don't tell me. If you got it wrong, I'd feel all weird.

Don Hill's
511 Greenwich St
New York, NY 10013
(212) 219-2850
Cross Street: Spring Street
Directions: C, E at Spring St; 1 at Houston St

Get Ron Wood off the pipe!

So I'm reading the latest issue of Guitar World which has Keith Richards on the cover (don't bother looking for the article, they don't post). In the second paragraph it notes that guitarist Ron Wood had to drop out of recording early on because of 'a severe crack addiction'.

Let me repeat that.

A severe crack addiction!

Okay, so you've been in the biggest rock band for thirty of the band's forty-five years. You're a multi millionaire. You've toured the world, you've banged thousands of groupies, you've played with Rod Stewart, the Faces, Bob Dylan and well, everybody. You've put out solo albums. You have your sketches hanging in galleries around the world. You're near retirement age. You've probably done every drug there is but there's one thing you haven't done:

LOTS AND LOTS OF CRACK.

Now I'm not saying these guys should have gotten it out of their systems by now. Some guys don't. Some guys die high on cocaine with two strippers in a Vegas hotel at the age of 57. But when did crack become a good idea for anyone? Wasn't crack designed to be the lethal drug for people who can't afford lethal drugs? At least go back to heroin. It's more romantic.

That was all I had to say about the subject but then my research took a strange turn. My research of course consisting of putting 'Ron Wood AND crack' into google. It didn't back up my story but it did tell me about a professor at NYU who forced monkeys to smoke crack. His name, of course, was Ron Wood. None of the monkeys were named Keith Richards. I have no punchline to this story so I'm open to submissions.

Pets

We have two cats. They are obnoxious, pushy, loud, lazy, spoiled and shed too much. One of them is eating a plastic bag as we speak. But if I had to leave them like the New Orleans evacuees, I promise you I'd be inconsolable.

The joke that almost got me kicked out of improv 101.

Years ago I used to have a website with some of my screenplays and sketches. I thought of reviving it here but the posts would be too long. Besides, I've got a series of short films that I just need to get hosted. You'll see them soon.

Eventually I want to write comedy for a living. I can get away with a joke in a headline now and then but it's not the same. Had I been born a generation earlier I would have made a great writer for the Muppet Show. Maybe someday Disney will revive it and see this blog. Ah, dreams.

Anyway, about four years ago I decided to study comedy seriously so I went straight to the Upright Citizens Brigade theater and applied for comedy writing and improv 1. Comedy writing went pretty well. Had a great teacher that I still see on Conan now and then. Improv was a little tougher. I was surrounded by funny actors. I don't want to be an actor (and when you see the short films you won't want it either). I just want to be a loud writer. I couldn't quite the hang of pretending there was a table to the left and having no idea what the sketch was until after you got offstage. My first time up was considered by the class to be a disaster but I thought it was the shortest sketch I ever wrote. It went like this:

(OPEN ON TWO CONVICTS BREAKING ROCKS ON A CHAIN GANG.)

GUY WHO WAS THE BEST AT IMPROV IN THE WHOLE CLASS
What are you in for?

ME
Breakin’ rocks.

At this point the teacher ran on stage waving his arms.

Superman is a Dick.

I need a desperate change of pace. This is a little old but man it makes me laugh every time. National Lampoon has a site up that simply shows covers of Superman acting like a total prick. Keep in mind these are all TOTALLY REAL. Back in the 60's DC felt that shock could sell a book, even if it was way off character and never actually happens within the story.

No Man's Land

I love New Orleans. I've been there twice and each time it struck me as a city that made up for its lack of money with an abundance of culture, humor and vitality.

Now it may be gone. Here's an excerpt of New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin describing just how dire the situation is down there. And here's the report on it. Air America played the entire interview this morning and I'll post it if I can find it online. I hope it does get posted because I think it needs to be heard. And I especially hope it's heard by people that voted for Bush on the grounds that he would protect them.

Ain't That a Shame

The news of the hurricane gets worse and worse. I'm sick about what's happening at the Superdome. I can't even find the words for how cruel and gruesome that scene is.

But I had no idea Fats Domino was missing.

UPDATE: Fats has been rescued! Thanks for the comment, Kathy. Now if we can only get those 15,000 out of the Superdome.

Hybrids

Renee just told me gas by the house is $3.49. We have a little car, a 2002 Beetle that we love, but it's settled. As soon as our lease is up, we're getting a hybrid. My brother-in-law just bought the Prius and I don't understand why every car isn't designed this way. It looks the same, rides as comfortably, has just as much pick-up and runs quieter. When you get to a light, the car goes on stand-by until you hit the gas pedal. And there's a digital display in the dash that measures your mileage as you go. On the highway, it was 99 miles to the gallon!

In short, it's exactly what you'd expect a 21st century car to be. Honestly, there is no reason why cars aren't completely electric. It seems like the hybrid is just a concession to the oil companies. You know, the ones charging us $70 to drive to work.

Oil: Bush's answer to everything

With Hurricane Katrina devastating the south (my friend Jeannie has no idea if her wedding reception hall is still standing) Bush comes to the rescue by opening the federal reserve of oil. Which is perfect for flooding because, umm, oil and water don't mix?

Also, he's planning to visit the hurricane sites by going straight to Washington. Which the hurricane is expected to bypass completely. He may actually go to Louisiana and Mississippi but you know, only if he doesn't get in the way. Leadership in action.

So 100 people walk into a blog...

I started this blog on Thursday. I started running a hit counter on Friday. And now, five days later, 100 of you have come by to see what I'm saying.

I can't believe it. I told about 25 people I had a blog and yet there are one hundred of you. I don't know where you're coming from. Maybe you followed my link on a message board. Maybe one of the 25 told you. Maybe you love Jack Kirby. I don't know.

I just want to thank you. I don't know how many hits blogs get these days but this is way beyond my expectations and it really gives me hope. I've got a lot of plans for this place (and a bigger site around it). I hope you like what you've read so far and more than that, I really hope you come back. I'll keep posting.

Marvel Masterworks

Speaking of Kirby, here's my own tribute. I contributed to this for two years, eventually creating over 300 pages before I realized that was way too much work for someone else's site.

My reviews are Fantastic Four Volumes 1-6, Spider-Man Vol. 4 and 5, Uncanny X-Men 3 and the intro pages for Silver Surfer Vol. 1 and Uncanny X-Men Vol. 1.

Ugh.

If you listen closely, you can hear celebrity eating itself.

All Hail Jack Kirby!

Hey, it's Jack Kirby's birthday!

Or it would have been if he hadn't passed away in 1994. But let's not let that stop us. Let's all visit the Kirby museum which opened today. If you're not a fan, it will give you everything you need to become one. If you are, it will make you smile.

Now I'll admit something. I wasn't always a Kirby fan. I loved his creations (The Hulk, Darkseid, Captain America and the Fantastic Four, to name a few) but when I was a kid I found his wide faces kinda ugly. Fortunately, back in 1997 I wrote a comic book (that lasted one issue) with an artist who was a Kirby fanatic and he set me straight. Basically, look at any comic from the 40's. Then look at a comic today. Now thank Jack Kirby. Because without him, a comic would literally look the same as it did 60 years ago.

Hurricane blog

Hurricane Katrina is currently slamming New Orleans, a city I love but would not want to be anywhere near right now. Miles O' Brien is currently blogging from there. I'm a big enough geek that for a moment I wondered how he got off Deep Space Nine.

40 Year Old Virgin

Renee and I went to the local movie theater last night to see it. We like this theater because it's a nice long walk and there's a Coldstone nearby.

Anyway, it's the best comedy we've seen in the movies in a long time ('The Aristocrats' was hilarious but I count it as a documentary). I always lower my expectations for movie comedies. While television comedies contain regular brilliance like 'The Simpsons' or 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' movie comedies are for the most part 'Anchorman'. '40 Year Old Virgin' goes way beyond my lowered expectations and shows what you can really do with a couple of hours and a strong idea.

Steve Carell is going to be HUGE. I first saw him on the Daily Show and hated him. He was constantly going over the top when that show calls for a very deadpan delivery. Thankfully, he got better. His version of 'the Office' will never get out of Ricky Gervais' shadow but it's surprisingly decent. Now he's proved he can carry a film. Ten bucks says he starts getting Will Ferrel's scripts.

Judd Apatow deserves to be bigger than he is. Look at this guy's roster. 'The Ben Stiller Show'. 'Larry Sanders'. 'Freaks and Geeks'. 'Undeclared'. 'The Cable Guy' (watch that again, you'll love it). And now he directs 'The 40 Year Old Virgin'. Some of the cuts are choppy but that seems to come from the improv feel he set. It really looks like he let the actors go and kept what was funny, not worrying so much about transitions. And everything comes out of character. What was the last movie you could say that about?

Everybody is a nerd.

I remember when these people were the only ones we gave the name ‘nerd’ to. And we were right to do so. These people also qualified.

But something’s happened over the last few years. Suddenly there were toy nerds. Movie nerds. G.I. Joe nerds. And Muppet nerds. Yes, Muppet nerds. I’m as shocked as you are.

The turning point came when I realized there were guitar nerds. Weren’t guitars supposed to be the pinnacle of cool in American society? But yes, there are people that obsess about every piece of equipment in a guitar’s signal chain. And they want to talk about it.

And the ipod? What’s more fashionable and trendy than the ipod? But there are nerds there too.

The fact is, we live in one of the few countries where we have time to wonder what guy performed what puppet on what episode guest starring an obscure celebrity from the 70’s. And the internet gives them all an outlet. No matter what your interest, someone’s devoted an entire website to it. So the depth of knowledge for anything, is exponential. Which means there can be fashion nerds. Beer nerds. Home improvement nerds. Car nerds. Even, in what seems like an oxymoron, sports nerds (listen to some of these guys rattle off statistics and you’ll see what I mean).

At some point, nerds took back the word 'geek' and made it their own, much like homosexuals took back ‘queer’. I like ‘geek’. It implies some sort of technical savvy while ‘nerd’ implies labored breathing, bad comic timing and a snorting laugh.

But we need ‘nerd’ too. If everyone’s a nerd, the insult has to disappear. Having a hobby shouldn’t make you an outcast. Let’s stop feeling like it. But ‘classic nerds’ need to be called out somehow. We’ll need a new word to label those people who are so uncomfortable, they make us uncomfortable.

I nominate ‘dork.’.

(P.S.: I belong to every one of these message boards.)

Headspace

My buddy Steve Klausner has been working on this screenplay for years. Now it's finally come to fruition. Headspace has its own website so I guess it's cool to mention it here.

I read this script about a year ago and thought it was pretty cool. I had no idea how cool the final product would be. Look, it's Sean Young! The mom from 'E.T.'! Juliet from the Zefferelli movie! The jerky lawyer from 'Ghostbusters! And that guy, from that thing! I'm looking forward to seeing this movie and I'm proud that Steve was able to get it produced. And now that he's officially on imdb, he's my hero.

Red Headed Stepwriters

I hate 'reality' television. So I don't watch it. That puts me in a special category. I have yet to meet anyone who admits to enjoying these shows and yet, the networks are thick with them. Because they're cheap.

One of the reasons we're told these shows are so cost effective is they don't hire people like writers. Turns out they do. They just don't treat them very well.

So these five monkeys are beating a sailor with this ashtray...

This is where I'm supposed to introduce myself. Well far be it from me to fly in the face of tradition...

I'm a 33 year old New Yorker and I'm a professional writer. Currently I work at Ogilvy writing ads for IBM but I've written for comic books, greeting cards, screenplays and lots of other things that didn't sell. I also play lead guitar in the band Saving Grace, of which there is a link on the side. I'm married to the only woman who puts up with this nonsense.

But most importantly, I'm cranky. Lots of things make me irritated and since polite society will have none of it, this is where you can hear all about it. You can also comment and tell me how woefully wrong I am.

Until then, here's a picture of Sideshow's Dr. Doom. I like Dr. Doom.